It was a dark and windy night
There was a loud knock on the door last night.
We don’t get may kids coming around here at Halloween because they have learned their lesson in the past. So I was a bit surprised.
I opened the door, and there was a very tall figure there. He was taller than me, and I’m over six foot. He was dressed all in black with a hood over his face.
I hate hoodies.
“What the f*ck do you want?” says I.
“I have come for you” he said. He had a strange voice. It echoed around inside my head and made me feel uncomfortable.
“You can p*ss off” says I. “You interrupted me in the middle of a good book and I’m not going anywhere”
“Who is it?” yells Herself from the kitchen.
“Some tosser looking for apples, or something”
“Tell him to p*ss off”
“I did, but he’s still here”
Herself came shooting out of the kitchen, frying pan in hand. It never ceases to amaze me how fast she can move when she has the bile up. She shot out the door. There was a loud clang, and a louder yell. I nearly felt sorry for him.
“Is he gone?” says I.
“I don’t know” says Herself. “He just sort of crumpled on the ground. I think I killed him”
“Fair play” says I. “I’ll get the lamp”
We went out by lamplight, and there was the cloak on the ground. No sign of the bloke, which was strange. Even stranger, there was an old scythe lying beside the cloak. I took it inside. It was very old, but with a bit of cleaning it should be OK. It will come in handy next summer when the grass starts growing again.
“I love it when you’re angry” says I to Herself.
She gave me a dirty look and went back into the kitchen.
You killed death?!?! Family Guy had a go at this one. Peter cripples Death, his wife has to nurse Death back to health, meanwhile the world goes crazy, people shooting and stabbing each other etc… but of course nobody dies. This pisses Death off no end, and sends Peter to make amends by murdering the kids from Dawson’s Creek.
I suppose this means that you are now Death. Don’t pet Sandy for a while.
I didn’t kill anyone. You know well what your mother is like when she gets going. Do you still have that steel plate in the back of your head?
Ye Gods! It’s like Grandad stumbled into that TV ad for some butter or other.
All you had to do was give him a nice buttery scone and an umbrella y’know, and he’d have pootled off quite happily, no need for the violence. Although herself doesn’t sound like the scone-baking type?
Terence – You have to be firm with people or they take advantage. I don’t think she meant to kill him [or whatever she did to him]. She’s used to my hard head, and forgets that others may not have had the practice.
She does bake scones. Occasionally. With our own ingredients. They are niiiice.
Grandad,
Had you watched the American teen film ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Day Out’ you would have known that the best response was not the frying pan, but to challenge him to a game of Twister. Having lost this, he would then have had to do as you told him and you could have cleared your entire neighbourhood of SUVs.
Ian – Can you seriously see me watching American teen films? I wouldn’t know anything about them. I don’t have Twister either.
No. The old ways are the best ways.
Death me arse. You killed the gardener from down the road. There’ll be hell and high grass over this.
Yikes, it was Joe Black probably. Of course the downside of it all is that, with the traditional population control via the scythe gone, we are pretty much fekked.
High grass in the scones me thinks!
Grannymar,
I think grass in the scones was in “I Love You Alice B Toklas”, that’s another American film, so Grandad wouldn’t have watched it.
Thanks for the cloak back.
Next time I come around to invite you down the pub I’ll make sure to take off the costume 😉
Neighbour – First of all, my apologies. You’ve met Herself so you know how volatile she can be. Can I keep the scythe, please?
For the rest of you – Neighbour just called in. He is now nursing a [very] sore head. I gave him some scones and he is now extremely happy.
That’ll teach him to wander around this place at night!
Grandad,
Have you the Alice B Toklas cookbook?
Hasn’t everybody?
I found a picture of Neighbour
http://listentome.net/billted3.jpg
It was an understandable mistake for anyone to make.
Ian – That is a remarkable likeness! Herself must have been putting our CCTV footage on the Interweb again…..
You actually resisted the Devil’s temptation to make a wisecrack about the tourist from Hades asking for directions for Mrs. Miller down the road …
Kudos, my good man.
thanks to reading this earlier today, I was forced to go search down some double cream (not an easy feat in the southern US) My husband and kid both thank you…scones with jam when they got in. I don’t come here to get the urge to do domestic stuff, I’m trying to avoid it.
GD that is the most beautiful love story I have ever read.
Daz – Thank you.
Geeky – I trust you used the right ingredients? It makes the work worthwhile.
Ashley – We are a very affectionate couple.
I made him find me a recipe, and they’re still not right. I think it’s the fact that he needs something to complain about on a regular basis