How to drive in Ireland – Other People
It is a fact that 98% of all accidents in this country are caused by Other People.
The other 2% are the solo artists who manage to wrap themselves around a telegraph pole at two in the morning when there is no one else around. They are invariably teenagers, who are merely setting out to prove that Darwin is right.
For the rest of us, it is always the Other Bloke [or woman] that causes the accident.
Other People can broadly be divided into two categories – those that are driving cars/buses/lorries etc and those that aren’t. I will refer to the latter as Pedestrians, even though cyclists and motor cyclists are included.
Pedestrians are a great nuisance on Irish roads. They have tried to obtain rights, but fortunately they have only gotten as far as getting the odd Pedestrian Crossing installed. Irish motorists, of course, are delighted with these crossings as they afford a great opportunity to mow down a few more Pedestrians. The government has now started installing Pedestrian Bridges, as their income tax revenue was being affected.
The great rule of Irish driving is the POP rule – Priority Over Pedestrians.
Motorists have complete rule of the road and associated footpaths. Footpaths are there to be parked on and any pedestrian who complains should be run over immediately. Similarly, if a motorist actually wants to drive on the footpath he or she is fully entitled to do so.
Cyclists are a huge hazard on Irish roads and are rightly treated with the utmost contempt. They rarely, if ever use lights or adhere to the rules, so they get all they deserve. In particular, those people who insist on wearing that nauseating nylon cycling gear with a bunch of bananas of their head. It is perfectly acceptable to plead in court that the sun was reflecting off the gigantic black shiny arse that was wobbling in front of you. You can also claim clemency under the indecency laws.
Motor cyclists are to be treated with the same contempt as ordinary cyclists. The only difference is that they go 50,000 times faster.
Other drivers should be treated with caution. You never know when they might have a skinfull of beer on them. Or, worse still, they might be tourists. The only ones that are relatively safe are the SUVs. The latter are a class in their own as they tend to be complete dimwits who are only compensating for their personal inadequacies by driving such a yoke. They invariably haven’t a clue how to drive and are relying on their vehicle to keep them safe. They are safer, simply because you can spot them a mile off, and can expect them to do the least expected.
So the rule of thumb is, whenever possible, to drive when there is no one else around. And if there are Other People around, then treat them like idiots who are out to get you.
Because the chances are – they are.
I can now never look at a cycle helmet without thinking of bananas – genius.
I was once a cyclist on Irish roads. I got in the way of a motorist who was blinded by my shiny arse, but they didn’t listen to his excuse in court and gave me lots of money instead. Now you know why there are so many crap cyclists in Ireland- they’re doing it on purpose.
A little ways out the country from here the night before last, there was a fella walking home from the pub in the dark, wearing dark clothes and pissed.
Darwin came along in the form of another fella in a car after leaving from the same pub, pissed as well.
Funeral today and it was a closed coffin at the removal last night.
Flirty – Just keep your eyes on the helmet. Those arses are usually false.
Red – That is just to lull you into a false sense of security. Either that, or the judge was drunk. Which was quite likely.
Robert – A little too much detail. I have a delicate stomach today after the rat poison.
Oh there are some gobshites out there. Some bitch claimed I clipped her wing mirror and informed the cops. I wasn’t even in the vicinity of where she was at the time. I think she just made up the reg plate at random and it happened to be mine.
Now apparently the solicitor tells me I’d be better off just cutting her a cheque for a few quid to fix the mirror without admitting liability of course, even though it was NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, because it would actually cost more to hire him to fight the thing in court.
Sometimes it really is the other person, Granddad. On this occasion, it’s some completely other person, probably the stupid bitch herself.
But as a stunt, I’m going to remember it. It’s a neat way to get some randomer to pay for damage you do to your own car.
Why park on the footpath? By parking on the footpath, and then leaving the car, you are
a) becoming a pedestrian
b) becoming a target for motorists (and disgruntled pedestrians with cars)
It’s a catch 22 situation. Luckily the clever people in the USA (aka tourists) solved the problem by inventing the drive through and the drive by.
Of course the Other People causing accidents are quite often the other people in the car – the kids slopping ice cream down your neck, the dog licking your ear, the love interest trying to shag you – well, you get the picture. Passengers seem to think the car drives itself and concentration is unnecessary.
JC – Nice one! Pick a reg at random and sue them. That is pure genius! I must try it. I trust you set fire to her car?
5h4mr0(k – You still haven’t fixed your keyboard, I see? By parking on the footpath, you are nearer the gate/door/shop/whatever. You only become a pedestrian once you are out of sight of your car. Up to then, motorists will treat you with a modicum of respect, as they know you’re a driver.
I’ve heard of those American things. Drive by shootings?
Nick – Kids should be firmly strapped in place. If necessary, they should be chained and gagged. Dogs should not be brought into a car unless they are well trained. Like my Sandy.
Shagging while driving? Ah! Sweeeet memories.. 😉
Nick you forgot about the Dog driving home from the village!
My keyboard is fine. I did fix my mouse though and that’s a huge relief. It was hard trying to find homes for all the little ones.
Hi Granddad, it is indeed evil genius at work. Fortunately, this bitch managed to park her car out of sight of CCTV, and claims that she was the only witness to the event, and I unfortunately am unable to prove my exact whereabouts at the time she arsed up her own car, so she does have me checkmated between either paying for her mirror or paying my bastard lawyer ten times as much NOT to pay for her mirror.
I have demanded her home address in order to send her a cheque, and I now find myself fearing for her personal safety and that of her house, given the well-noted dangers of fires and explosions resulting from fireworks at this time of year.
Good grief, Grannymar, are dogs regular drivers down your way? The South is more anarchic than I realised. And presumably they’re all driving on provisional licences with prominent L plates?
JC – What about ‘innocent until proven guilty’? The onus is on her to prove that you did it, and not on you to prove you didn’t.
A Roman Candle under the central heating oil tank can be quite effective. Especially on a dark night.
Nick – Our Sandy does a lot of driving. She is exceptionally good. Driving licences only apply to people. Dogs are exempt.
The law is different for dogs. The onus is on the owner to ensure that the dog is fully licenced. It similar for TVs but you don’t see many of them driving these days.
4 points for cyclists is what i hear, 1 for pedestrians since they are 50,000 times slower.
And I must say that i just found this blog and love it…
Hit a motorcyclist, go to jail.
Hit a bicyclist, get an award, have the Mayor buy you dinner to express the gratitude of the people.
JC, That lady needs the roman candle shoved down her throat or stuffed up her……take your pick.