Christmas is over at last
I was down in the pub on Saturday.
The local shopkeepers were having their monthly meeting in the corner of the bar.
Why is it that a lot of thing that happen on a monthly basis seem to involve a lot of bad temper, shouting and general irrational behaviour?
We usually ignore them, because they discuss things like speed bumps and litter bins, and nothing ever gets done anyway. They all seem to hate each other, and every meeting ends in a fight which can be fun to watch.
On Saturday, they were discussing the Christmas decorations for the village. They used to keep the decorations in the local police station, but they were stolen from there, so now they take it in turns to store them when they’re not in use. A row broke out as to who was storing them this year. They all denied having them.
The row turned ugly. It went from the usual shouting and name calling through to a full blown pitched battle. Soon the glasses were flying and fists swinging. It was great craic.
It began to get really ugly when the bar stools started flying, so I thought I’d better step in. I threw a full pint through the television screen, which made a spectacular bang. It was a waste of a good pint but it stopped that damned sports programme, and it also stopped the fight.
Gráinne, who runs the local hairdressers came over. She was dripping all over the place because the butcher had just shoved her head down the toilet and flushed it.
“What did you do that for?” she snarled.
“I know where your decorations are” I replied.
She looked at me open mouthed and dripped a bit more. Not a pretty sight.
“You never took them down after last Christmas. They’re still up there” I said.
There was a silence for a moment [apart from the television which was still fizzling and crackling on its shelf]. Then they all rushed for the door.
They quietly came back in, and admitted I was right.
So they spent yesterday taking all the decorations down.
They had to do that because they had hired someone to put them up again today.
Who says village life is dull?
how do you manage to be so bloody consistently funny – it is really annoying!!!
Sorry Flirty. 🙁
It’s not me; it’s life. These things just happen.
Where have you been lately??
I hope they bought you a pint.
That mean shower? Not a chance…
Grandad, you are hilarious, it seems rare somebody can blog and be funny without resorting to filth. You have a gift.
Good grief, putting the same decorations up again? That’s heresy. The whole point of Christmas is for people to spend mountains of money, get the tills red-hot and keep the capitalists in business. You get them down the shops right now to buy a new lot, and no scrimping.
Thank you Nonny. Unlike some, I only swear sometimes.
Nick – You don’t know the shopkeepers in the village. They wouldn’t give you the steam off their p*ss. [Ooops! Sorry Nonny]
They’ll take money, but they’ll never spend it.
Nothing more annoying than a television in a pub. Except for maybe 2 televisions in a pub that is. Nothing kills a conversation better.
Robert – Do as I do and bring along your Universal Remote Control.
😉
That’s a stirling idea. The hotel I’m staying gave me the only free smoking room left and it is actually a suite. The second telly in the other room has a universal remote. I think I will “ahem” borrow it.
Ha!
I keep trying to visualize that pint toss. Being an American, I like to visualize it like a perfect spiral pass, but the ale would come out. Alternatively, with the mouth forward like a russian satellite. Or careening end over end with ale sloshing brilliantly. A great image nonetheless. Great tale and I hope the TV stays dead!
Dan
bloody hell – another row?
Haha . . my Christmas decorations are neatly packed in one of those plastic wheely tubs which has been sitting in my loungeroom all year . . .I meant to take it up to the shed but it’s a handy table for battery chargers (for the camera and the like). . . I thought about it last week but hardly seems worthwhile now that Christmas is only 3 months away! And for the record, I hate TV’s in pubs!
I just realized that this sounds something like a city council meeting. in our fair city (Ashland, Oregon) Our city council here in Oregon is currently catching some h#$l! and national press because they have recommended spending $37k for counciling after one fellow told one of the others to “Shut the f#ck up!” The other fellow was apparently muttering something under his breath about said councilmans fondness for human-sheep relations (or something like that) while he had the floor.
I wonder if a good bar brawl would have the same effect and be cheaper!
Just like many Irish villages. I remember Clara in Offaly had a bit Santa on the bridge in the town even in the summer. Sounds like a successfully meeting to me.
I thought Santa lived somewhere near the North Pole, and he’s in Clara all this time. Must drop in next I’m passing
Life seems to be the same the world over. We never bother taking down our tree. Too much trouble. And Christmas seem to come around every two months anyway.
OregonDan – The ‘Russian Satellite’ method is to be preferred [I love the description by the way]. i.e. mouth forward. Anything else will result in you getting drenched. And tell your council that our way is much better. It’s a bit messy, but it’s cheaper and a LOT more fun.
Why don’tya write to Santa and ask him for your own sattelite for Christmas. That way you could boycot sport of all kinds AND take over the world at the same time! Bonus.
Not a bad idea. Maybe you could get me one? You live closer to Lidl than I do. Do they sell them?