It’s the same damned story every morning.
I switch on my laptop.
Me: Mornin’ Laptop. Ready for some work?
Laptop: Hold on. I’m still loading.
I wait a while.
Me: Are you ready yet?
Laptop: Fire away.
I try to load my mail thing.
Laptop: Hold on. I’m checking for updates for your anti-virus.
I play Solitaire for a while.
Me: OK now?
I check my mail. Nothing happens.
Me: What’s wrong now?
Laptop: There are some software updates for you. I’m downloading them.
Back to the Solitaire.
Laptop: OK. All downloaded and installed. You have to reboot now.
Me: F*ck off. I’m not going through all this again.
Laptop: Fair enough, but you have been warned.
I check my mail. Nothing there exept the usual penis enhancers and Fred wanting me to write to her for nude photos.
I fire up my browser. Nothing happens.
Me: What are you at now?
Laptop: Just scanning your disk for nasty stuff. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.
I’m bored with Solitaire, so I switch to Minesweeper.
Eventually, I get my browser running, and I do my little bit of surfing.
Laptop: You really ought to reboot, you know?
Me: I told you. No f*cking way!
Laptop: You’re playing with fire….
I ignore it and start on the wittiest post for my blog that I have thought up in ages. It takes a long time to write.
Laptop: Alert!!!! Virus found in F drive!
Me: F*ck off. I don’t have an F drive. You’re only doing this to wind me up.
I’m nearly finished.
Laptop: You forgot to switch on at the mains and your battery has run out. Byeeeee!!
My typewriter never gave me this grief.