Computers are a curse
It’s the same damned story every morning.
I switch on my laptop.
Me: Mornin’ Laptop. Ready for some work?
Laptop: Hold on. I’m still loading.
I wait a while.
Me: Are you ready yet?
Laptop: Fire away.
I try to load my mail thing.
Laptop: Hold on. I’m checking for updates for your anti-virus.
I play Solitaire for a while.
Me: OK now?
Laptop: Yup.
I check my mail. Nothing happens.
Me: What’s wrong now?
Laptop: There are some software updates for you. I’m downloading them.
Back to the Solitaire.
Laptop: OK. All downloaded and installed. You have to reboot now.
Me: F*ck off. I’m not going through all this again.
Laptop: Fair enough, but you have been warned.
I check my mail. Nothing there exept the usual penis enhancers and Fred wanting me to write to her for nude photos.
I fire up my browser. Nothing happens.
Me: What are you at now?
Laptop: Just scanning your disk for nasty stuff. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.
I’m bored with Solitaire, so I switch to Minesweeper.
Eventually, I get my browser running, and I do my little bit of surfing.
Laptop: You really ought to reboot, you know?
Me: I told you. No f*cking way!
Laptop: You’re playing with fire….
I ignore it and start on the wittiest post for my blog that I have thought up in ages. It takes a long time to write.
Laptop: Alert!!!! Virus found in F drive!
Me: F*ck off. I don’t have an F drive. You’re only doing this to wind me up.
Laptop: True.
I’m nearly finished.
Laptop: You forgot to switch on at the mains and your battery has run out. Byeeeee!!
*plop*
My typewriter never gave me this grief.
Your typewriter never let assholes like me into your life either, I am just saying
That is very true, Sean. I am thinking of making a permanent switch to writing my blog on my typewriter.
After you type your new post on the Smith-Corona you can run it through the mimeograph machine and post your bills around the village.
Smith Coronas are overrated ๐ You really need a great big whopping Royal.
I have one here to sell, for a modest fee of course ๐
The old Remington will do me just fine. I’ll just pop my posts in the local letterbox, addressed to the website. That should work?
Love your blog. I really think that your computer and mine talk behind our backs!
You crack me up.
Sounds like you are using Windows…
My Linux routine:
Turn power on…
Wait for it to boot…
Login…
Desktop is ready to go as soon as it appears
“You have new updates”
Click to update packages (not just OS, but all updates for all installed packages)
Get a warning that my entire kernel has been replaced, and it politely asks to reboot, but thats it…
Can use the laptop perfectly well, until I want to reboot it…
As for viruses/spyware… I don’t have to worry… No Internet Explorer, ActiveX, Spyware to worry about…
Thats my opinion. I’ll just check back here in a couple of days for some Windows users flames, about how there are too many Linux distros to choose from, and how their 10 year old scanner doesn’t work.
With regards to hardware compatibility, I have an Acer Travelmate laptop. and everything (I mean EVERYTHING) works from a fresh install…
Thats:
– Widescreen
– Wireless LAN
– Wired LAN
– Graphics Card
– Sound Card
– USB / Firewire
– VGA Output (for Projectors)
– Bluetooth (Mouse etc)
– Keyboard (Media keys etc)
Cheers,
Louis
If the road rise up to meet you, take the bottle out of your pocket.
If the wind is at your back, you’re going the wrong way.
If the sun is shining warm upon your face, you’ve fallen down again.
If the rains are falling soft upon your fields, you’ve wandered onto a stranger’s farm.
And until we meet again, if God is holding you in the palm of His hand, may he not forget and clap.
Spot on. I’m fed up with these feckin jumped up calculators treating us like children.
Know the feeling, but on a positive side, which I am having a hard time finding a positive side lately, you couldn’t share with the masses before.
Put your computer to sleep not to bed may be less painful.
Bill Gates is a Prick.
Get a Macintosh. Don’t let the name scare you. I just bought a Macbook Pro. I’ll never use Windows again. Most user friendly computer ever!
Hi Linda, and welcome [from The Experiment?] – I have a sneaking feeling it’s ganging up on me all right. If they all get together we’re in trouble!
Ses5909 – Another Experimenter? Welcome, and I’m sorry for cracking you.
Louis & Brazos – I knew this would bring out the Linux and Mackintosh brigade! ๐ Unfortunately, I wouldn’t know where to start, and anyway, my software wouldn’t work which is a bit of a handicap.
I don’t use Internet Explorer myself, but I really must write some viruses for Linux and the Mackintosh……….
Seamus – ?
OFTR – Just put a match to it like I did.
Janet – I usually let it hibernate. Maybe it likes to hibernate right through winter, and doesn’t like being woken in October?
Sixty – We don’t often agree, but RIGHT ON, Man!!
– Sean: Fine line between self-deprecation and self hatred, dude;
– Sixty: Bill Gates’ Microsoft gave birth to the Xbox 360, so I’m afraid that you, sir, are a cretin;
And Grandad, at least your laptop works … mine ran off with the spoon years ago.
Daz – Leave Sean alone. And you can leave Sixty alone too. The fact that Gates gave birth to the XBox proves he’s a prick.
Doesn’t my laptop burn beautifully?!
1. Uninstall that Norton, Mcaffee, or whatever commercial Anti-Virus crap that you’ve installed or came pre-installed on your laptop!
2. Download the free version of AVG Anti-Virus, which I’ve used for three years and never had a problem out of it. And, install it!
http://free.grisoft.com/doc/5390/us/frt/0?prd=aff
3. Turn off Microsoft Automatic Updates, unless you enjoy Bill Gates and his cronies nipping in ever hour to see what you’re up to! ๐
Press “F8” if you love Bill Gates, so I can launch a rocket at your arse! ๐
Hi JD.
1. Don’t believe in paying. Particularly for that crap.
2. Have been running it for years. Great program.
3. Have it on notify only.
Me love Bill Gates??????? I completely and utterly distrust any famous American whose initials are B or G [in any order], particularly if they are very wealthy and wield too much power.
I hate ’em…..
Here’s a tip. Leave the dang thing on. It’s a laptop, it won’t drive your electric bill up. If you’re worried about people fiddling with your stuff just use a password protected screensaver.
There’s no reason to turn it off, just schedule all that crap for 4 in the morning and poof, no more morning waiting.
Or, you could do all the other tedious or expensive suggestions from the other comments.
I would Todd, but I have an irrational fear of fire. I don’t like things humming away when I’m not around.
Anyway my laptop didn’t schedule things. It did everything on a random basis, just to annoy me.
Actually, I’m finding the Remington works a lot better, and it’s more reliable.
Hey Grandad, maybe you should invest in one of these beauties:
http://steampunkworkshop.com/images/Kb41.jpg
I wonder if I could hotwire my old Commodore 64 (my favourite keyboard ever) to link it up to a PC?
Fran
Oops! I meant to post a link to a second picture, along the same lines…
http://www.makezine.com/blog/remingtonKeyboard.jpg
Hey! That second photograph is almost identical to the setup I’m using at the moment, Francis!!!
It even has all the letters in all the wrong places….
I feel your pain. Every time I go to wri