Conversation between K W Heaton and S J Lewis of Bristol University in 1997.
K: Hey Lewis! You got anything going at the moment?
K: How about doing some new research that will get our names in the books?
S: Sounds cool.
K: I was thinking that no one has ever categorised poo before into different types?
K: Well, shit if you like. Or turds.
S: No. I meant ‘shit, that’s a good idea’.
K: So what we need to do is go and find loads of poos and photograph them.
S: That sounds like fun. But how will we do that? Most people flush them away.
K: Ah! I hadn’t thought of that.
S: Why don’t we find someone who will provide all the samples?
K: Brilliant idea! That chap Bingley in the labs is always complaining of constipation. We can start with him.
S: Then we can start feeding him pints of stout to loosen him up a bit?
K: Now we are getting somewhere. But how do we get to the real runny stage? I don’t think he could take enough pints for that.
S: Maybe we could shoot him up with a dose of Botulism or Cholora or something? That should do the trick.
K: Brilliant! Might prove fatal though?
S: I’m sure he’ll be all right. and it is in the cause of scientific research.
K: True. Let’s make a start……