A report commissioned by the Department of Gaeltacht Affairs has highlighted the decline of the Irish Language.
It is reported that the language will cease to be spoken within 20 years unless steps are taken.
Initially efforts are to be concentrated on Gaeltach areas [areas where Irish is the predominant language]
Already progress has been made. All place-names have been compulsorily changed to their original Irish and all road signage must be in Irish. This has caused great confusion in the regions, with several families now unable to find where they live.
“We just want to go home to Dingle,” said one confused family “but they keep directing us to Daingean Uí Chúis, which we’ve never heard of. Please help us. We are tired and hungry.”
In the next phase, the Irish Language is to become compulsory within the areas. All television aerials are to be removed and the only channel available will be TG4. Mobile phones will be programmed to work only within the areas to prevent residents speaking in a foreign language to outsiders. Non-Irish newspapers and books will be banned.
Visitors to the areas will be issued with phrase books to enable non Irish speakers and tourists to communicate. These books will contain such everyday phrases as “can you direct me to the nearest underground station” and “my dentures have fallen under the table”.
People wishing to reside in the area must first attend ‘transition camps’ where they will be given 24 hour intensive training in the language. Once they have proven that they are fluent in the language, and have forgotten how to speak any other language, they will be allowed to move into the area.
People wishing to holiday in the area will be given a special emergency telephone number where they will be given on the spot help with translation. This number will be manned by specially trained Poles, Lithuanians, Estonians and Bulgarians who are experts in native languages.
Any person found speaking in any other language other than Irish will be brought back to the transition camp where they will be forced to memorise ‘Peig’.