Conversation between K W Heaton and S J Lewis of Bristol University in 1997.

K: Hey Lewis! You got anything going at the moment?

S: No

K: How about doing some new research that will get our names in the books?

S: Sounds cool.

K: I was thinking that no one has ever categorised poo before into different types?

S: Shit!

K: Well, shit if you like. Or turds.

S: No. I meant ‘shit, that’s a good idea’.

K: So what we need to do is go and find loads of poos and photograph them.

S: That sounds like fun. But how will we do that? Most people flush them away.

K: Ah! I hadn’t thought of that.

S: Why don’t we find someone who will provide all the samples?

K: Brilliant idea! That chap Bingley in the labs is always complaining of constipation. We can start with him.

S: Then we can start feeding him pints of stout to loosen him up a bit?

K: Now we are getting somewhere. But how do we get to the real runny stage? I don’t think he could take enough pints for that.

S: Maybe we could shoot him up with a dose of Botulism or Cholora or something? That should do the trick.

K: Brilliant! Might prove fatal though?

S: I’m sure he’ll be all right. and it is in the cause of scientific research.

K: True. Let’s make a start……

In loving memory of John Bingley
b:1972 d:1997