I love sitting in the sun and listening to birdsong and the sounds of nature.

I cannot understand people who have to drown it out with music.

Yesterday was particularly sunny and peaceful. The birds were in full voice and it was heaven. And then the neighbour decided to have a barbecue.

This is the neighbour who’s house I have decorated with my golf practice, so I’ll call him Jackson Pollock. I don’t really talk to him except for the odd grunt if we pass in the village. There’s no animosity – we just have nothing in common.

Barbecues are fine as they can make quite a nice aroma, but not if they are accompanied with music. And this was particularly horrid music. I don’t know what it’s called – a sort of jazz/blues/soul singing. I think of Ella Fitgerald for some reason. Ella, or whoever she was, sounded very depressed as she crooned away. She sounded like she was going to commit suicide any minute. But unfortunately she didn’t. She went on and on and on. I was getting very depressed.

I’m not one for retaliation, but I cracked. I had enough of Jackson and Ella, so I opened all the windows in the house and put on Queen.

I may have overdone the volume a bit, as part of the new ceiling fell in. Valentia Observatory rang and complained that I was upsetting their seismological measurements once again. I hear that George W went to DefCon One as they thought there had been a missile launch. It was loud, but it was better than that caterwauling from Pollock’s.

I suppose I could have just asked him to turn it down, but Mrs Pollock is sort of scary. She’s a sort of ageing Yummy Mummy [and yes, she does drive her SUV as if she owns the place]. And anyway, I’d have had to run the gauntlet of his electronic gates – I’d have to stand in the road and wait for his intercom to squawk – and I do retain some sense of dignity. So that was out.

I could have e-mailed, but he obviously wasn’t near his PC. I could have phoned but The Rottweiler Mrs Pollock might have answered. So that just left direct action.

I apologise to the rest of my neighbours. If you can still hear me, that is. I hate any sort of radio in the open air because it is so inconsiderate, and I won’t be doing it again.

Unless of course the Pollocks start up. In which case I might have to bring out my ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction.

My Status Quo collection.