The aerodynamics of dog turds
I cut the grass yesterday.
It had been getting quite long and the dog kept getting lost. But it’s short now.
So I decided to practice my golf as I hadn’t tried my new clubs yet.
Now the only problem is that I don’t have any balls. And I mean golf balls before any of you come up with smutty remarks. So I thought I’d try out with pine cones. I have thousands of those from the woods. They work extremely well, though they aren’t very aerodynamic so they tend to curve in flight.
It wasn’t long before I was sailing them across the road and into the valley beyond. At one stage I managed to sail one in through the open door of a tourist bus that was driving past. With a bit of luck, I might have hit someone.
Then I remembered our K8’s idea about using dog turds. So I brought in a pile from outside the gate. They were nicely sun-dried and ripe for driving. All I needed was a target.
Our neighbour put up a rather ugly extension some years ago that blocks part of our view. I always hated that extension. But it made a perfect target.
If anyone is interested, dog turds are much more aerodynamic than pine cones. I could aim straight and true. The neighbours extension now bears a remarkable resemblance to a large Jackson Pollock. It looks a lot better. As long as the wind doesn’t blow from that direction.
I have to wait now for the local dogs to produce more golf balls. Assuming it is from dogs, of course.
And in years to come, if the pine cones take root, I’m going to have a lovely forest in the valley across the road.
Having spelt ‘aerodynamic’ correctly, I’m surprised you had a problem with ‘dog’ 😉
Watch your hook shot, if any of those turds clear two fence lines I’ll start practicing in your direction with similar ammo, but perhaps the fresher variety!
Aha! Pitching Wedge or a Sand Iron? . . .I have a dog that persists in crapping on a particular spot where we like to sit in the shade of a lovely carob tree. If I had the right club, I could fire a few shots at the offending bitch and put her off her game. Then again, I could decorate the shed with possum poo!
Nice to see you’re being creative.
Now for the fun part.. start feeding Sandy a lot of sweetcorn, peanuts and beetroot. Makes for very colourful murals. Birds will then eat the remains off the walls and cover the patio next door in shite! Two birds with one poo as it were.
Woops! Corrected thanks.
All my practice shots are in an arc from the north east to the south. I wouldn’t dare aim in your direction.
Unless of course your builders start annoying me 😉
@Baino – I would suggest a driver. That gives a low trajectory with high velocity. Ideal for aiming at dogs. For target practice on the neighbours extension I used a 5-iron, as that gives a bit of height. When Neighbour [above] starts his new extension, I’ll be using an 8 or 9-iron as I have to clear two lines of trees.
@K8 – Our Sandy is like the queen – she doesn’t poo. She’s much too discrete.
I wonder if I should rename my ‘sand iron’ as ‘shit iron?’
Grandad I have A 65 degrees lob wedge you might find interesting It doesnt make them go very far but they go straight up and down so if you could get with in 30 yards perhaps you could pop them right down the chimney for a hole in one
PS I stand on the right side of the ball as well as the correct side so naturally its a left handed club
That is a brilliant idea. From now on, I’m practising on their chimney.
As a matter of interest, how do you stand on both sides of the ball? Do you have a split personality?
Grandad well yes I do have a split personality but as any civilized person knows the right side of the ball is the correct side. Only barbarians stand on the left side of the ball
Sean. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but a ball is round [circular]. It doesn’t have a left or a right hand side. It’s not like a car or a rhinoceros. Both of them have sides.
So maybe they gave you that guff about ball having sides because they wanted to sell off that old 65 degrees lob wedge that no-one else wanted?
while I am incapable of arguing with you about the semantics of a sphere having a left or right side as I bow to your superior knowledge and intelect
However once the ball has been placed upon the tee in the tee box it is no longer merely a shere and most definately does have a right and a wrong side and please do not take your bitterness out on me just because you stand on the wrong side of the subject. I am sure with much practice and a little grace you to could stand on the correct side of the ball
As for the 65 degrees lob wedge this I can most heartily agree with you as i do not even carry it with me anymore. any club the goes 40 yards in the air and 30 yards forward seem silly and unecesary to me, I just thought since its practically straight up and down trajectory it would be excelent for adding fragrant pot-pouri type elegance to your neighbours fire
good luck with your wrong handedness and may the good lord take pity on your benighted neighbours
So if I place a ball on the tee, the front of the ball is the bit facing the flag? That’s fair enough, but what happens if I then turn the ball through ninety degrees? Then the left side of the ball is facing the flag. Or does the flag move?
This game is more complicated than I thought
Due to the spheroid nature of the orb in question the front is always the front and the left side is always wrong
If the left side is always wrong, does that mean that the right side is always right? Or is that wrong too?
in both definition and semantics i would say in golf right is always right
However it strikes me that if you were standin on the opposite side of the flag looking at your ball the left would be right and right would be wrong
Hmm clever these scotties no?
I believe a bit of naval terminology would be usefull here the head or bow of the ball is facing the flag and the port side would be your port or left side if you were standing behind the ball looking at the flag
Welcome Mark! This is going back in time a bit? This discussion was confused enough about the semantics of balls having sides without introducing naval terminology into the debate. Am I being too stern? Do I bow to your argument? Or am I talking a lot of rowlocks?