I met John, an old school pal last night.
We got talking about the old days, of course and what everyone was up to.
“You missed out on Tightarse Terry’s 60th birthday last summer. You were away” said John.
Tightarse was famous for not spending money. We reckon he has thousands in pre-Euro notes stashed away that he’s afraid to declare.
There was a party once, where Tightarse brought a six pack of beer. He hid it behind a curtain. He drank everyone else’s beer and then collected his unopened six pack as he was leaving. He was the meanest character I’ve ever met.
“I suppose it was a bring-your-own and a packet-of-crisps affair?” says I.
“Ah no. It was big. He organised a full weekend. Two nights in a luxury hotel, food, drink and a round of golf in the K Club.”
“Jayzus! He has changed. Did he win the lottery or have a brain transplant or something?”
“Oh no. He organised it, and then told us it would be €450 a head!”
“So Tightarse throws a lavish party, and the guests have to pay?”
“That’s it. And the word was spread that the presents were to cost no less than €50.”
“Christ! Was it worth it? Did many go?”
John laughed. “No one went. He was left there on his own.”
“Serves him right. Mean fecker.”
“We all sent him cheques for €50 instead of presents.”
“You what? After that, you still sent cheques? Did you sign them ‘Micky Mouse’ or something?”
“Oh no. They were all good cheques, properly signed and everything.”
“Yiz are all mad. That fecker never spent a penny on anyone, and you send him what he asks for?”
“Well, we did write little notes on the back of the cheques.”
“Mine read ‘for the hire of a pig for one night for sexual services’. Franko wrote ‘Paedoclub Member number 2076’ on the back of his. Bruno the Pen wrote ‘Thanks for a great night. Pity about the size of your dick’ on his. I don’t know what the others wrote but they were all along the same lines.”
“Brilliant! I’d love to have seen the bank cashier’s face when he brought them in!”
“Ah! But that’s the point. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t cash any of them. He was to embarrassed. And they’re all out of date now.”
It was a nice thought. Tightwad sitting on a grand’s worth of cheques and not being able to do anything about it.
Serves him right. Mean fecker.