I wear clothes for three reasons.
I want to keep warm as it can get quite chilly up in the mountains.
I need somewhere to keep things like my tobacco and spare change and things like that.
Lastly, I don’t want to scare the children or make other men jealous.
To me, clothes are a functional item. They are there to serve a purpose, and they do it well. So what do I like to wear?
Starting from the bottom, I like comfortable shoes. I have a pair of runners that are very comfortable, but Herself has hidden them because she says they look shabby. This annoys me because they are like gloves – very light and comfortable, and they do the job of keeping sharp stones from between my toes.
Socks are fine, as long as they come above the ankles. I’m not worried about colour or whether they match or anything like that. Just so long as they stop my shoes chaffing my ankles.
Trousers I’m a bit more fussy about. 34″ waist, 34″ leg, zip up the front and pockets. Pockets are essential. They must be deep enough so that when I sit down, all my loose change doesn’t fall out. I’m not worried about colour, so long as it isn’t pink, white or green. Also I think polka dots look a bit clownish.
Shirts are easier. Any colour as long as I don’t force people to wear sun-glasses. But my shirt must have a breast pocket. That’s where I keep my Euro notes and my mobile. If I don’t have a breast pocket, I’m lost.
And I won’t wear a shirt that has writing on. Unless it’s funny or obscene. I don’t see why I should give anyone free advertising, or pretend to have been to an American university I’ve never heard of.
We were heading out for a drive yesterday, so I had another look for my runners [no go – she’s damn good at hiding things] and put on a pair of shoes instead.
“You can’t wear those shoes!” she shrieked.
“You can’t wear black shoes with brown trousers!”
I’m not privy to the black arts of Trinny and Suzannah, so I just changed my shoes. It’s easier than arguing. The fact that the black shoes are safer for driving in is irrelevant. The fact that they are more comfortable is of no consequence.
Herself is threatening to let the “Off the Rails” crowd on me to teach me the black art. I’d welcome that as it would give me a chance to bitch-slap [I believe that’s the expression] that presenter with the Dublin 4 accent. I hate her voice.
I just don’t understand this clothing thing. I like to wear clothes that are functional and comfortable [and have the right number of pockets]. Herself likes me to wear things that are uncomfortable and non-functional but look well. To me, comfort is the most important thing. To her, looks are the most important thing.
I have a wardrobe of lovely comfortable jeans and trousers and shirts. I have a nice selection of shoes, boots and runners. But I can’t wear any of them because they don’t look good.
On second thoughts, I’ll invite the “Off the Rails” team around myself. Apart from bitch-slapping Yer Wan, I might learn what the hell all the fuss about.
But I can’t find my mobile. Herself insisted I wear the shirt I’m wearing.
And it doesn’t have a breast pocket.