Herself dragged me into the local town yesterday.
We don’t go there that often, because it is noisey and the parking is difficult.
Normally you would find the normal mix of people walking the streets, but yesterday was different. It took me about a minute to realise this. I also noticed that there were massive traffic jams trying to get out of the town. I had wondered why I found parking so easily, and why the traffic going into the town was so light.
The entire town seemed to be populated with a sort of sub-culture.
The males all looked as if they had just popped out of the bookies after a twenty year stint of staring at the screens. If they were American, they all would have been called Cletus. They had a Neanderthal, in-bred look about them – slack jaws, bulging eyes, knuckles dragging along the ground.
There were quite a few younger specimens too. There were all Gurriers and Snot Gobblers. They all had the mandatory mobile in one hand and a can of drink in the other. They communicated by whistles and by shouting at each other in an accent so thick even I couldn’t understand it.
The females were the worst. They all seemed to be in their teens and all had the mandatory mobile in one hand and a pram in the other. And they all chewed gum with their mouths open. They were all dressed to look like Britney Spears [with hair]. It seems to be compulsory to have at least one child by the time they are entering their teens. My theory is that, on entering puberty they practice at home with the family. Either that or we have the highest rate of virgin births in the world.
The women were all eying up the talent. There was one who eyed me up. She was built like Mary Harney, but was wearing a mini-skirt and a top that was vary low cut. The sight of that cleavage was as sexy as a plane crash, but just as fascinating. It was like two shaved pigs fighting in a hammock. I broke out into a cold sweat, but she passed by. Thank God.
I thought we might have wandered onto a film set, but there were no cameras around. It was strange. It was surreal. It wasn’t threatening or anything, but I felt uncomfortable. Herself didn’t notice, but she had been into a couple of shops and was more interested in her purchases. I had stayed outside the shops and this is how I had had a chance to observe what was going on.
We got out of that town as fast as we could, which wasn’t very fast as all the exit routes were still jammed with traffic.
Then it dawned on me. I wonder if the impending full lunar eclipse had anything to do with it?