I have quite a large garden.

This is a very nice thing to have, but it leads to problems.

There are a lot of trees and shrubs, not to mention unwelcome visitors like ivy and brambles.

Every time there is a strong wind, I find more branches down or even a tree or two. One of my trees is becoming somewhat lopsided due to its losing huge branches to the gales. A sort of arboreal allopecia. And then I have to trim back trees and prune them. And remove brambles and ivy. Sometimes I have to remove shrubs.

All of this leads to a lot of stuff in a big heap in one corner of the garden. How do I get rid of it?

I cut up the bigger branches and trunks, and split them into firewood. The smaller branches are also cut up for kindling. But the rest – the twigs, the ivy, the brambles and general garden rakings – are now forming a mini-Matterhorn.

In years gone past I would have a good old bonfire. One good fire would dispose of the lot. I am an expert on bonfires. And I love the smell of them. I am considerate too. I only had bonfires an days when the wind was blowing away from any houses in the neighbourhood.

But of course the councils now say I can’t have a bonfire. I can’t burn wood in my garden. But strangely I am encouraged to burn wood in my house. I can actually get a grant to get a wood burning stove.

So if I burn wood in my garden, I get fined. If I burn wood indoors I get a grant.

I’ve had a brainwave. I’m going to put my Matterhorn into a neighbours house and set it on fire. I not stupid enough to do it in my own as we already have a coal fire.

It will be quite legal, and maybe I’ll get a grant?