I just rang my broadband company again for the laugh.

I am supposed to be getting an upgrade to my service for the last while.

So I took a stiff shot of whiskey and phoned them.

Their phone system of course uses a Voice Processing Unit. Apparently that is what they call that bloody irritating “Press 1 for giblets, press 2 for knob rot” thingy that drive me mad

I pressed my buttons and waited.

A pleasant recorded voice tells me that due to the volume of calls, I should be answered within two minutes.

Ten minutes later, the phone is answered…

He said something that I couldn’t understand [my Swahili isn’t that fluent], but I thought I heard something about a number. So I gave him my account number.

He rattled off my name and address, which I understood, and it was reassuring because it meant that that part of their system is working anyway.

“What is the nature of the problem?” says he.

“Nothing” says I. “I’m just phoning to see if there is any sign of my upgrade”.

This confused him a bit. He had a customer that didn’t have a problem, and that obviously didn’t appear on his screen prompting system.

He muttered something [I’m not sure if it was in Urdu or Hindustani] and started typing. I have never heard so much typing. Either I caught him in the middle of writing has autobiography, or else he was reprogramming the system to accept problems from people who don’t have a problem.

Then the phone went dead.

I waited, because I had nothing better to do. There was a long silence. Then suddenly he was back. Still typing.

“I’m sorry” says he, “Can I put you on hold?”

“No problem” says I, as I poured another whiskey.

They played the usual musak at me for a while, and then he came back.

“We are upgrading people in rotation. We have not done your area yet”

“I know that” says I, “but have you any idea when it might be done?”

“We estimate within two to three weeks” says he.

“I phoned on the first of October last year and I was told two to three weeks then” says I.

“We estimate within two to three weeks” says he.

I thanked him and hung up.

Two seconds later, I got an e-mail saying that a Support Ticket had been opened.

“Great” thinks I, “at least they have a record of my call”.

One second later I got an e-mail saying that my Support Ticket had been closed.

I’ll phone them again in May.