I AM paranoid, and someone IS out to get me.
I have my problems. Don’t we all.
But now I have to add paranoia to my list. Yes, I’m paranoid. Someone is stalking me.
I know a little bit about him. His name is Lord Peckerhead. No. I’m not joking. And I don’t think he is in the CIA. He says he isn’t anyway.
It all started when I was playing around on a forum. It’s a strange kind of forum, where people post nonsensical comments about nonsensical things. Just my kind of place, I would have thought.
But then Lord Peckerhead comes along and tells me I won an egg last Easter! How did he know? I’d forgotten about it. It’s not up there in my life’s great achievements.
So I sent him an e-mail out of curiosity. I asked him how he knew. I wanted to know if his lifetime hobby was collecting statistics on people who had won eggs. And what was even stranger was that the shop concerned never advertised that Grandad had won an egg.
I didn’t hear back from him so I forgot about it. And I kept well clear of that forum.
But then, this morning in pops an e-mail out of the blue.
I will quote it in its entirety. I’m sure he won’t mind.
Greetings, O Venerable One,
I’m very sorry I haven’t replied before now; I hardly use this email address at all (as you might imagine, it doesn’t always create the right impression in a business/professional context…)
I enjoyed your rambles and I knew your real identity because, well, you’re so famous. I then googled your real name because something I’d read on your site made me think – I can’t for the life of me remember what or why, now – that I might have met you once, way back before all this internet lark started.
Lo! and behold, up popped your name on a list of prizewinners for that Easter egg competition. The mind boggles. Maybe if you take it up with them (“breach of privacy”, etc.) they might offer you another one to keep quiet about it?
Then again, they might say “F*** off, aren’t you that beardie guy with the blog? Privacy my orse…”
I hope my little prank wasn’t too unsettling – I felt oddly guilty when I read your entry about the FBI and their black vans.
Vale, et scribe,
So far from putting my mind at rest, he has made me even more nervous [if that’s possible].
The line that unsettles me most is “I knew your real identity because, well, you’re so famous.”. Even I have forgotten what my real name is. Everyone calls me Grandad. I’ve forgotten what my old name is. I’ve even checked the label inside my underpants, but it just says “Grandad”. And then he tells me I’m famous?
I know I was on the BBC News and ITV News back in ’68, but they never mentioned my name. I also appeared on RTE a few times, but I was always in the background. I was in the papers once, in ’71 when a bus tried to drive into my mouth [but that’s another story]. So what is this fame that eludes me?
I wrote an article for the Irish Times last year. That is true. But in typical newspaper fashion, they got everything wrong in my personal details, and mixed me up with someone else. I told them [the paper] about Ron and Dick who host my blog and they put in all Dick’s details by mistake.
And he says he knows me. Isn’t that a symptom of a stalker? Is he trying to put my mind at rest before killing me? Or is he just trying to add to my paranoia?
So, Lord Peckerhead – I am appealing to you. No. I’ll rephrase that. I am begging you to send me an e-mail. Tell me who you are. Where did we meet? Why am I famous? How come you know more about me than I do?
I am on 20 Prozac a day at this stage and am beginning do dip into my store of Valium too.
As Saddam Hussein once said – the suspense is killing me.
Does ‘Peckerhead’ have a white coat?
I have no idea. If he doesn’t, I’m going to need someone around soon who has….
That’s very strange.
Strange is one word, I suppose. Scary would be another. Or weird?
CIA in Ireland would be like saying the U.S. troops have landed at Shannon.
Grandad I think its about time we put you away in a home as it may look like you could be a danger to the general public.
More to the point – I think its about time I was put away in a home as it may look like I am in danger from the general public.
And U.S. troops in Shannon? Surely not! Didn’t Bertie assure us that the Great President denied it. And who are we to doubt Bertie?
Dammit, Grandad, I didn’t want everyone to know about my title! Now those ‘investigative reporters’ and secret services types will be snooping around even more. They’ll probably assume that I indulge in all sorts of deviant sexual behaviours, know Mark Thatcher personally, and have various shady connections in the world of haut espionage (including an inside line to the winners lists of Superquinn chocolate egg competitions). And we all know how that stuff sells papers…
So I’d play down your contacts with me, unless you want to attract even more attention than you already have. Mum’s the word, and all that. OK?
(And please — just plain old “Peckerhead” from now on?)
P.S. I could tell you who I really am, but then I’d have to crack a dismal joke about having to kill you.
Rest assured, I’m beginning to think that I didn’t actually meet you in the past, and just had you confused with a namesake. That is, it wasn’t really me that met you (or your namesake), but rather my little-known cousin, the Earl of Peckerhead. But I can’t prove that in a court of law. 😉
P.P.S. Just how big a supply of Prozac and Valium do you have? Maybe we could meet up, after all…
HAH!!!!!! I knew I wasn’t imagining it.
Here we have it folks – in black and white. He strikes again.
OK. Pecker, I have about 586 Prozac left [diminishing rapidly] and around a kilo of Valium. Does that tempt you to expose yourself? Or do you do that in the public park anyway?
And I don’t know any Earls of Peckerhead either..
Just because I don’t habitually use my title doesn’t mean that I’m cheap.
Tell you what, though — do you think your pal Ron could help me to dislodge the upstart American who seems to have taken the domain name that should rightfully be mine, and parked on it what looks like an eight-year-old’s first foray into Flash? I’ve prepared better PowerPoint presentations in my time.
At last the mystery is solved. He thinks I’m someone else. So he’s not stalking me – he’s stalking someone else who doesn’t even know it.
Now that the confusion is sorted, I will certainly pass on your comment to Ron and Dick about the domain name. They will probably tell me to f*ck off as I have been pestering them a bit lately, but more about that in the coming days.
Now I have to start the long slow painful withdrawals from the Prozac and Valium.
If you’re posting at 5:40 in the morning while you’re still ON Prozac and Valium, I shudder to think what you’ll be like when you come off them…! :eek
*sigh* One of the side effects of growing old. I woke at five and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got up and had to do something to pass the time…..
So this could prove the CIA is in Ireland but not after you of course. This must also mean the U.S. troops have actually landed in Shannon….questions must be put forward to Bertie about this, denial or not.
You are paranoid, time to call the men in the white coats. I would do it myself but I dont have any credit in my mobile.
Of course the CIA is in Ireland, and troops probably have landed [but we’ll repel them with pitchforks – remember 1798?]
No point in asking Bertie – he’d only splutter and lie as usual.
Don’t worry about the phone call. My psychiatrist says I’m fine again. He just upped my dose a bit.