I want to be a celebrity.

I’m not quite sure how I go about it, but I’m going to try.

First of all of course, I have to have a boob job. I think 40H would look good. A sort of Dolly Parton with a beard. It’ll give me something to play with when I’m bored.

Then there’ll be the total lobotomy. I have to fit in with the crowd after all. All my worries and cares gone. No thoughts at all.

I fancy the life of luxury, being whisked off to tropical islands and eating live maggots and things. I fancy being filmed while I take a dump. I fancy being headline news in the gossip magazines [“Grandad has trimmed his beard again”]. I fancy being chased by the paperazzi.

Imagine being a guest on Podge and Rodge! I might even be interviewed by The Plank on the Late Late.

And celebrities don’t seem to have to work at all. Unless of course you are David Beckham and you have to kick a ball around a field for a few days a year.

My only real problem is that I don’t really understand how to get there. There are loads of people out there with huge boobs and no brains who aren’t celebrities. Why not? Why didn’t they make the cut?

I’m not related to anyone famous [which seems to be one of the requirements], unless you count my Uncle Archie who was once arrested for exposing himself to a sheep? [The sheep didn’t press charges, by the way. She quite fancied him].

Do I put an ad in the Sun saying “New celebrity on the block. Now available for mindless TV shows and interviews”? I’d include a topless photo of course. No point in wasting that surgery.

So if anyone knows how I get in with the “in crowd” [whatever that is], please drop me a line.