And now the good news

Head Rambles Posted on by 9

Every cloud has a silver wotsit.

Or so they say.

There must be some people who are absolutely thrilled at the current bit of inconvenience sweeping the planet.

Take for example little Gertie Thunderbird [Blessed Be her Name]. She must be ecstatic at the reduction of aeroplanes in the sky? Add to that the massive reduction of cars on the roads and we must be on the point of exterminating climate for once and for all. This is all she ever dreamed of.

On the other hand these obsessives can be a little unpredictable at times and the fact that she is being totally ignored while the pandemic grabs all the headlines could tip her over the edge and she could end up eating her parents or something. One never knows.

Then there’s the anti-eating mob who are always whittering and whinging about obesity. They must be thrilled that the fast food outlets [especially McDonalds] have closed? There again, they got what they wanted but not because they wanted it. Someone else stole their thunder on that one. Bummer!

The anti-alcohol crowd should be pleased at all the pub closures? Of course the major retailers continue to sell the dreaded poison so they’d probably like them shut down too? Naturally we would all then die of hunger but at least it would solve the alcohol problem. A population wiped out by starvation is a small price to pay.

One crowd that must feel a little left out are the anti-smokers. They have been trying their best to prove that Covid-19 is caused by smoking but have had to fall back to a rather pathetic “#QuitforCovid” campaign on Twitter. I have even seen claims that imply that smokers produce a sort of second-hand Coronavirus which really doesn’t surprise me.

It’s an ill wind…..

I am NOT contagious

Head Rambles Posted on by 9

I am thoroughly pissed off.

The Vernal Equinox has passed which is cheering in it’s own way and the evenings are really brightening up, but I’m still pissed off.

Today is Mother’s Day but I’m not a mother and don’t have one so it’s of no consequence. Yes – I did have a mother once but she went to the Great Brown Bread Bakery in the sky many years ago.

It’s not even the incessant wittering about Corona-virus or Covid-19 or whatever the fuck you want to call it though that doesn’t exactly lift my mood. They tell us not to worry and then talk about it as if it were Armageddon.

It’s not the cocooning lark as that hasn’t changed my life in any way anyway.

No. It’s none of the above. It’s a wee virus I picked up a while ago. Or it may not be a virus: it could be bacteria. And it’s not the Corona thing before you all start disinfecting your screens.

It’s a nose thing. I have had it for a while and it’s getting worse. My nose is too tender to touch so I can’t blow it, which is a pity because it is flowing like a river in flood. I am getting through tissues at a fierce rate just wiping the fucking drip which is permanently dangling.

It has spread to the sinuses too which means my eyes hurt and I have a constant headache not to mention a permanent stinging in the nostrils. I am sick of chewing paracetamols.

I had a visit to Dr Google so I think I know what it is, which is more than Doc did. He gave me two courses of antibiotics and tubes of cream which did fuck all good. Apparently [if Dr Google is right] the cure involves anaesthetics and scalpels. Lovely!

The only problem now is that it is dammed difficult to phone for an appointment as the lines are jammed by all those neurotics who thing they have the other yoke.

They don’t know when they’re well off.

The end of the tether

Head Rambles Posted on by 11

I was asked recently how I was coping with all this isolation craic.

I had to ponder this for a moment to wonder what they meant. When I thought about it I realised that our life here at the Manor remains virtually unchanged as we have been “self isolated” for the last couple of years. The only real difference is that people don’t call in quite as often as they used to.

There have been a couple of changes however. The first is that buying groceries has become somewhat tricky. Normally I bang in an order online and get a delivery the next day. It’s a great service. Or rather, it was a great service. The problem is that everyone is now ordering online and the next available delivery slot is in two weeks time. How the fuck am I supposed to know what groceries I will need in two weeks? And anyway half their items are listed as “out of stock”. That is a major pain in the arse.

By far the greatest tragedy though is something I discovered yesterday when I dropped down to the village.

My coffee shop is closed!

They are shut for the duration.

Once or twice a week I would drop in there for a coffee. Strangely enough I’m not a coffee drinker and despite having a reputation for serving up great coffee at home I rarely touch the stuff. The exception of course is the coffee shop. There it’s a place of relaxation and respite from looking after Herself. Penny gets her fistful of chicken and then the two of us sit out on the terrace while I sip my coffee and puff on my pipe while Penny greets customers when they come and go. More often than not I am joined by a local or two, and occasionally a visitor to the area will strike up a conversation.

Now that’s gone.

This is going too far. This nonsense will have to stop, and stop immediately. Don’t they realise the damage they are doing to my mental state? And what about Penny? Without her regular feed of chicken she is going to fade away.

I haven’t even the heart to break the news to her yet.

Cocooned

Head Rambles Posted on by 8

There is a whole new lexicon creeping into everyday language.

There is constant talk of “self isolation” “social distancing” and a few others, but the latest one to join the list is “cocooning”.

Our Dear Leader, The Tea Shirt Varadkar made a major address to the nation last night. He almost had me in tears as he talked of the terrible danger that was sweeping the land and how we must all pull together as a nation in these dark days. There was the inevitable “never has so much been owed by so many to so few” bit but he was talking about health staff not fighter pilots [I hope].

Part of the speech concerned “cocooning” those who were in greatest danger, namely the elderly and those with underlying conditions. As usual he failed to stipulate the precise definition of “elderly” or state what the “underlying conditions” are. The general consensus seems to be that seventy plus is elderly [puts hand up] and that underlying conditions seem to include pulmonary and coronary [puts hand up again] problems, so I seem to qualify on two counts.

I’m not quite sure what this cocooning entails. It conjures up images of being wrapped in fine silk threads and hung from a leaf but they hardly mean that? There is an “explainer” [another foul new word that implies that we are all idiots that need explanations for everything] which does little to clarify matters.

We are putting in place the systems to ensure that if you are one of them, you will have food, supplies and are checked on.

Am I to have special deliveries from Tesco escorted by a fleet of police or army? Am I to have a dedicated volunteer who periodically shouts through the letterbox to see if I’m okay?

Tesco and Lidl here have dedicated special shopping times for us Wrinklies where we have the shop to ourselves and have first dibs from the shelves. Unfortunately the special times consist of the first couple of hours in the day, when any sensible Wrinkly is fast asleep. A nice though but …

It’s when people particularly vulnerable to a condition like Covid-19 get extra special help from other people around them to help to protect them from even getting the disease. So it’s a little bit akin to self-isolation except it’s not just the self that’s doing it, it’s others around are helping with that.

So I am to be in “self isolation” but am to have a gang of people all pressing in around me offering to help? Sounds like a recipe for contagion?

Anyhows I shall await patiently to see what this cocooning actually entails.

In particular I shall watch out for Silkworms.

Always look on the bright side of life

Head Rambles Posted on by 7

The current Era of Madness does have its benefits.

Everyone is going around with long gloomy faces, staring at their smart phones to pick up the latest false rumours and bad news. What people don’t seem to realise is that there are quite a few benefits to all this panic.

First of all, today is Paddy’s Day [not Patty’s Day – anyone who uses that name knows fuck all about Ireland and is therefore an utter cunt]. Normally people would be thronging the streets wearing those stupid leprechaun hats and watching American marching bands getting frostbite. Not so this year. By decree, there shall be no false jollity so we can all live our lives in peace.

There is no sport. Well, precious little anyway, so the airwaves are free of endless football and rugby matches. Normally the evening news slot dedicates around a quarter [or more] of its time with tedious reports from the myriad of sports from football and boxing through to horse racing and golf. That’s gone now so they can dedicate the entire hour to doom and gloom reports on Captain Trips and its relentless progress.

There is also the added benefit that it has become simplicity itself to avoid the people I don’t want to talk to. All it takes is a not so subtle cough [into my hand, not my elbow] and off they run to the next parish.

So there seems to be an international shortage of long grain rice [I use quite a lot but ran out last night] but on the other hand we have a shed load of food for the two animals so we won’t starve. I’m sure they won’t mind sharing their stash?

Every cloud has a silver lining.