No, I do not mean I minced around the place with limp wrists, Lycra shorts and singing Liza Minnelli songs. I mean the good old fashioned Scouts type of effort and making do with the bare minimum without any of the comforts of home.
You see, I woke up yesterday morning and I realised the room was fucking cold. The heating was off. I got dressed and soon discovered we had no electricity. Bugger!
Now we rely on electricity for a few things here. There is the heating as I mentioned. There is light of course. Then there is cooking [and more important boiling water for tea]. We are also cut off from the outside world as we can’t use the phone or the Interwebs. Even Herself was stuck in one position as her bed is powered by electric motors. Electricity is essential for just about everything.
So I hauled out our emergency equipment. I dragged a bottle gas heater through to Herself’s room and set up our ancient camping stove in the kitchen. Soon the house was full of the glorious stench of propane and doubtless a very healthy level of carbon monoxide.
We sat and stared out the window for the day. There was fuck all else to do. Herself tried singing to me at one point but I hastily put a stop to that. The day dragged on and on. Herself offered to tell me a joke but I declined. I know from experience that her jokes are very long and she always forgets the punch-line.
Eventually it started to get dark so I fished out our old oil lamp. I have had it for nearly sixty years and really must clean it sometime. Soon I added the stench of paraffin to the other noxious gases. We were lacing into the headache pills at this stage.
Then a thought crossed my mind. It was dead calm outside and had been overcast all day. If we are to rely on solar power and wind for our electricity then this was a scenario that was to become the norm. Any electricity that is miraculously being generated will be soaked up by people charging their Noddy cars and trying to run businesses. Those of us in the mountains are going to be on the hind tit when it comes to supply.
The power did eventually come back.
There was a political debate on the television. Eamonn Ryan – the idiotic leader of the Green Party – was on screeching about how climate change was the greatest crisis on the planet and far worse that homelessness or healthcare. We all have to switch to renewables immediately and life will be absolutely wonderful and cheap and happy happy.
Well, I had a taste of his Brave New World yesterday.
This morning I got a phonecall from a bloke who is to fit a reversing camera in the car. In theory, I could do it myself but at my time in life I prefer to let others do the tricky shit and anyway it’s fucking freezing out. Anyhows, I gave him directions and he said he’d be here in twenty minutes.
I gave the CCTV the odd glance to see if there was any activity out front. Sure enough a car arrived and parked across the outside of the gate. I was about to go out when my phone rang again – the Reversing Bloke [you know what I mean] was calling to say there was a car blocking my gate!
So I went out in the freeze. The car belonged to our health visitor who was sneaking a quick fag before coming in. The Reversing Bloke was sitting in a van beside her, looking somewhat bemused. I sorted things out by sending the car up the road and reversing the Reversing Bloke’s van into our gateway.
Health Visitor duly walked back having parked her car about a quarter mile away [it gave her a nice healthy walk?] and Reversing Bloke set to work on the car. Needless to say Penny got out twice and fucked off up the lane where I had to freeze and retrieve her.
They have gone now. Peace reigns once more.
I just had a quick look at the new installation in the car. It’s neat. Nothing is visible [apart from a tiny black cube on the rear number plate]. The only difference I noticed was that the rear view mirror was a bit different – slightly larger and it had some tiny buttons on it. I put the car in reverse and Bingo! … my rear view mirror had become a screen showing the view out the back.
I also have a new remote control. I’m not quite sure why I need a remote control to remotely control a mirror that is in easy reach but then it seems to be mandatory to have a remote control for everything these days. I blame the EU.
I have to go down to the village shortly. While I’m down there I’ll try reversing into a few cars to get a feel for distances and things.
It was Herself that suggested it in the hopes that we might see mention of a film worth piratingdownloading watching.
It was the usual Luvvie-Fest. Everyone roared hysterically at the feeblest of jokes and greeted each winner with rapturous applause, with some trying and failing mserably to conceal their disappointment at not winning [so much for acting?].
Naturally every winner had to thank everyone they had ever met, up to and including the bloke who fitted their carpet five years ago. It was tedious in the extreme.
The one bit of interest though was when Whack-Him Phoenix went to collect his award. He looked uncomfortable in the extreme and spent most of his speech staring at his boots as if he wished he was anywhere else on the planet. His speech was a strange sort of halting appeal for “diversity” which was more embarrassing than heartfelt. I got the distinct impression that a gang of transsexual negroes was holding his children hostage to force him to make his speech.
The whole exercise was a bit of a waste of time. The candidates for Best Film were a load of crap with only one exception – “1917”. Now that was a good film.
Yesterday was truly a day of monumental significance.
But of course none of you will have realised that.
Yesterday afternoon Daughter called in for a visit. We sat and chatted, and in a lull in the conversation she dropped her little bombshell.
“By the way, happy anniversary!”
Fuck! I had forgotten all about it, and glanced at Herself. She too had a look of surprise and I realised she had forgotten all about it too. This was great – she couldn’t accuse me of forgetting as she had forgotten too. Talk about getting away with murder.
Forty four years!
Over seven times longer than the second World War and eleven times longer than the first!
Our next door neighbours are having a party tonight.
I don’t blame them as they have a lot to celebrate. Quite honestly if I lived there I’d be celebrating with them but I’m not invited to the party. I’m left looking enviously through their windows, wishing I was inside partying with them.
There is a while to go yet before the celebrations reach their peak but already they are getting quite noisy.
They should have some consideration for us though. We have little to celebrate so their rowdiness is just rubbing salt in the wounds.
However, I can be magnanimous. I shall raise a glass to them at eleven tonight when they start on their path to freedom.