Experts in bullshit

What exactly is an expert?

Legiron got me thinking on this topic this morning so I decided to look up the definition of the word.

The definition as given by Google isa person who is very knowledgeable about, or skilful in a particular area.

Not very helpful really?

The problem with that definition in the modern world is that most experts are self-defined.  “I am an expert” they cry without any sort of yardstick or qualification.  For example I have a good knowledge of a great many subjects and in some I would possibly class myself as having an expertise, but only informally.  I would never stand up in court and proclaim myself to be an expert witness for example.  I could claim I was an expert in scribbling shite on the Interweb, and possibly some would agree, but what exactly does that mean?  Could I teach the subject?  No.  Could I pen a scientific treatise on the subject?  No.  Are there people out there who would consider me not to be an expert?  Millions.

In the past experts were generally accepted if they had say a degree.  To have a degree in physics would imply an expertise in physics.  You would listen to an astronomer if he talked about the stars.  Nowadays though we can have an aerospace engineer declare himself an expert on the subject of smoking which makes no sense whatsoever.  We can have so called experts declaring nonsense that can be countered by simple logic or experience.

Over the last decade or two, so called experts have been crawling out of the woodwork and from under rocks to claim that not only are they an expert in a topic but that I must believe every single utterance of theirs purely and simply because they are a self proclaimed “expert” but that I should be forced to believe their every utterance.

One thing that seems to be in common with all the modern experts is that they have an axe to grind.  Isn’t it remarkable how many of them make a handsome living solely out of their so called expertise?  How many of the experts in Climate Change make a living out of the concept of Climate Change?  How many Anti-Smoker rely purely on the notion of cigarettes being harmful?

One glaring indication of the fallacy of expertise is in the electrofag area.  In the UK, the experts claim electrofags are 95% safer than cigarettes, while over the Atlantic the experts proclaim that electrofags are as dangerous [or even more dangerous] than cigarettes.  Both groups claim to be experts yet it is impossible for them both to be right?

Personally, I gave up listening to them years ago.  I no longer believe a single utterance as they have destroyed any respect I may have once had.  I can ony laugh at the likes of Jamie Oliver [a glorified burger-flipper] who proclaims himself an expert on diet, or Luke Clancy who makes a very handsome living out of promoting Anti-Smoker propaganda.  They are in it for the prestige and the money and as such every utterance is tainted.

I’m not alone.  There is a growing tide of scorn and disbelief across the planet. 

The sooner it overwhelm the “experts” and drowns them, the better.


A weirdness has descended upon the Manor.

The place is infested with bugs.

The first type of bug infected this site and for no apparent reason started informing all my trusted and loyal readers that they were spam and could they please fuck off.  I didn’t think that was very nice, and nor did my trusted and loyal readers.  I think I found the cause and have removed it and locked it in a bug-proof safe.  May I offer sincere apologies on behalf of the twats who fucked up my code.

The second type of bug is even more mysterious.

For the last couple of days a fly has been annoying the hell out of Penny.  Mind you, he hasn’t been endearing himself to me either as he seemed to think I was a sun and he was a planet and frequently orbited accordingly.  Really fucking annoying.

This morning I glanced at the window – something that’s difficult to avoid if you want to see what the weather is like – and there were a moxy load of the little fuckers all dozily wandering around the window pane.  I have no idea where they came from, but there they were. 

I knew I had a can of flyspray somewhere in the lobby so I found it.  We brought it back from France some years ago.  It apparently kills all mouches, moustiques and guèpes but it didn’t say anything about flies.  I gave it a go anyway and dosed the window pane where the flies were.

Out of idle curiosity I wondered if the can had an expiry date, as we have had it for donkey’s years.  I found it – 06/2011.  I’m happy to say though that my window full of flies suddenly had an expiry date of 28/11/2016.  Apparently they all understood French.

Then I discovered another cloud of the little fuckers on another window so I sprayed them too.  And then I found more on yet another window – this was becoming a bit farcical.  Where the hell were they all coming from?  At this stage I reckon I had dispatched around thirty of them in a wild morning of genocide. 

But there still a few who had realised that maybe the windows weren’t the safest spot and were now flying freely. around the room.  I’m not one to give in easily so I decided on some drastic action.  I marched up and down the room with my finger firmly pressed on the nozzle.  Nothing could escape that little cloud of death.

The room is now clear of flies.  Or at least it is clear of live ones.  The stench of parfumé à la citronnelle is quite overbearing.

Why do I have a sudden urge to lie flat on my back on the floor and spin violently while emitting a loud buzzing?


Raising awareness that shit happens

There are so many things that baffle me about modern society.

There is the obsession with self, evidenced by the Selfie craze and having to stick every aspect of life on social media.  There is the obsession with so called “celebrities”.  There is of course the craze for political correctness that is sweeping the world.  But there is another that I see on a daily basis which has me utterly confused.

The obsession with “raising awareness”.

What the fuck is that all about?  Some kid sticks his finger in a power socket and instantly the parents have to start a campaign to “raise awareness” of the dangers of electricity.  Someone else’s parent dies of some disease and  before the victim is even planted in the graveyard they’re off raising awareness of said disease.  Why?  What do they hope to achieve?  I am either already aware of this cause or I’m not, and if I’m not, the chances are I don’t give a fuck.

I have a simple theory to explain this phenomenon, and I’m putting up for peer review so I can publish it in some godforsaken science paper.

My theory is that these people are on a massive guilt trip.  Their kid stuck his finger on the power socket and even while he is still glowing they start a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of electricity, simply because they themselves didn’t know it was dangerous.  They thought it was all nice and cuddly and safe and assume that everyone else is as thick as them, hence the campaign.

So every “awareness campaign” is simply a very pubic admission that the campaigner is as thick as pig-shit and assumes everyone else is too.  What they are shouting from the rooftops is that they wish someone had made them aware of some danger or other and now they are on a massive guilt trip.  Too little, too late, I say.

I genuinely get the impression that these people live in some kind of bubble-wrapped world where everything is so safe and protected, when suddenly real life steps in and bites them in the arse, thereby shattering their illusions [and giving them a valuable life lesson in the process] and they genuinely think that everyone else is as dim as themselves. 

Of course in some situations they had a “couldn’t happen to me” attitude and discovered that it can indeed happen to them, not realising that they merely drew the short straw. 

So next time you see someone “raising awareness” of some topic, you can just rest assured that someone has just received a valuable lesson in reality.

I blame the Nanny State.