The problem with mice

This house has an infestation of mice.

The fucking things are annoying me, as they seem to be everywhere.

Even as I type, there are several on the floor at my feet.  And the ones around my feet aren't dead – they each have their own little disabilities and I can't decide whether to try to fix them or fuck the lot out in the bin.

You see, my main mouse died when I was on holidays.  I stuffed it into a bag, but never used it and I think that being squeezed into a very confined space for two weeks was too much for it and when I took it out, it was dead.

Well, it's not exactly dead, it's more jumpy than usual and the right-click button doesn't work any more.  So I took out my collection and went through them one by one trying each out in turn.  On some, the buttons are erratic, while on others the wheel doesn't work.  The one that I ended up with at least works but it is very fucking noisy.  It has a very loud click and I find that irritating, but more on that in a minute.

Now I don't want anything fancy.  I know they make mice these days with more controls than a Boeing 767, but I don't want all those extra fancy little bits because I will never use them.  I know that because I had one and never used anything but the wheel and the two main buttons.  I never even discovered what the other half dozen buttons did, and I don't want to know.

So my needs are very simple.

I want a mouse that has a left-click and a right-click and a little wheel I can stroke to scroll up and down.  That's not asking too much is it?

I tried looking on line and all they offer are those fucking wireless yokes which I really hate.  They chew up batteries [and die at the most inopportune moment] and they are incredibly easy to lose.  At least if the mouse has a wire attached I can gently pull on the wire until the mouse emerges from its hiding place under a cushion or down the side of the sofa.

So I have narrowed my search to a wiry mouse that plugs in and it has to be silent.

Why the silence, you ask?  Well, it's quite simple.  Herself likes to dictate what's on television and 90% of the time it's something I wouldn't watch in a million years, so while I am supposed to be watching, I sneakily open my laptop to find something more interesting [which isn’t hard] and to stop my brain exploding.  But then Herself hears the clicks and all hell breaks loose and that is something to be avoided at all costs.

So there it is.  A very simple requirement.  A mouse that has two main buttons and a wheel, that is attached by wires and is silent.  That's surely not rocket science?   Not too much to ask?

Oh, and it has to last more than a couple of weeks.

What a gay day

I'm still at a loss to understand this "Gay Pride" thing.

I hear they are marching in Dublin again today.


I have nothing against gays [though as I have said before – I hate the way they have hi-jacked the word “gay”] but why the fuck can't they just shut up about it?  Why the necessity to parade through the streets as if it's some mighty badge of honour?  I don't feel the need to march myself through Dublin proclaiming that I'm straight and nor does yer man up on the farm in Braggan feel the need to march to declare his love for sheep.  These are personal matters and I really don't want to fucking hear about them.

I know a few people who are homosexual, and they are nice people.  They don't go greasing up their hairless bodies and mince around in Lycra, and frankly if they did, I would give them a very wide berth.  They are perfectly normal people who just happen to have different preferences from my own.

I worked for thirty or so years in a television broadcasting station and believe me, outside the world of hairdressing that is one environment where the straight was probably the minority.  I don't know why homosexuals are so attracted to hairdressing, television or airline stewarding but there it is.  It was a common sight to see men + men and women + women walking hand in hand around the campus in Montrose and one of them even smoked a pipe, fair play to her.  The story goes that one Christmas management were looking for a fairy to place on top of the main transmitter tower, and three were killed in the rush but that's probably just a rumour.

Let's get one thing straight though.  the word "gay" means happy.  Think of your woman prancing around on an Alp in the Sound of Music – that is gay.  "Gay" does not mean muffin muncher or shirt lifter, so STOP USING THE FUCKING WORD!

And LGBT is even more confusing.  That sounds like a UK railway company back in the '50s [Liverpool and Greater Birmingham Transport?]

So if you're homosexual, that's fine by me.  You have all your rights that you wanted and you are now part of the Great Community [God help you].  You do things your way and I'll do things my way.  I'll share anything with you except a bed because I don't judge.

So just shut the fuck up.


Early morning erection

I have been getting up rather early for the last few days.

An old pal of mine has been doing a little bit of a job in the garden.  The fucker insisted on starting at eight in the morning which to put it very mildly is an ungodly hour.  To make matters worse, not only did he arrive and start unloading tools and stuff but he then started cutting stones.

Is there anything worse than a power saw cutting stone at eight in the morning?

I don't think so.

To add to the noise there were clouds of dust which meant visibility in the garden for the last couple of days has been zilch.

Anyhows, he's gone now.

I have just discovered he did a little bit of extra work.  Now I swear on a crate of baccy I didn't ask him to do it.  He never asked me, nor did he tell me after.  It was just a nice little surprise that he left for me to discover.

He resurfaced a bit of the lane outside my gate.

It's only a small piece of resurfacing but it is very effective.

No Water Meter

You can't see it in the picture because you can't see it in actuality.  Yes, he has surfaced over my water meter, which I think is incredibly kind and thoughtful?  It was fucking ugly anyway.

As for the work he did – it was a brilliant job.

New terrace

There is Penny enjoying the sunshine on the new terrace, between the new steps and the new stone.

What's the stone pillar for, you ask?

Well, it does have a function but I'll leave that to your imagination.  Is it for tethering the dog?  Is it for tethering Herself? It's not a sundial [I have one of those].  It's not part of anything that is yet to be built.

Naturally it has to have a name.  I suggested the Ogham Stone, or the Long Steyne.  Grandad's Pillar? The Megalithic Stone?

My pal just wants to call it his erection.

How bland.

A free lunch

Governments are renowned for coming up with harebrained schemes.

Our lot have surpassed themselves.

"Let's give free medical care to all children in the state who are under six."

While on my wee break Down Wesht, I happened to see our illustrious Minister for Health waffling on about this scheme [I was waiting for the weather forecast and got him by accident].  He thinks it is absolutely essential.  His reasons were basically twofold – some other countries have it [some countries have public stonings and others have the electric chair, but he conveniently overlooks that] and he reckons that the ultimate goal is free healthcare for all, free education for all, free childminding for all and God knows free what else.

Doesn't this idiot realise that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FREE?

Doctors are like the rest of us [though some of them may lack our morals] in that they have to feed, clothe and house themselves.  If they are giving their services for nothing then for it to be truly free, they would have to get free housing, food and clothes.  The providers of those services would in turn have to either pay the cost or would have to get their services free and so on ad infinitum.

So obviously doctors have to be paid for this "free" service.  And who pays the bill?  The tax payer of course.

Varadkar sees a world where health and education are "free".  What this boils down to is that the tax payer will have to fund the salaries of every doctor, surgeon, nurse, teacher and professor in the land, not to mention all the support staff in the background and the building and maintenance of hospitals, schools and universities.  And then they wonder why our country is up to its neck [and beyond] in debt?

I have nothing against using taxes to help out those who genuinely can't afford to pay for a service that is essential [dare I suggest something like a Medical Card?] but giving "free" services to everyone is way into fucking La-La Land.

This farcical scheme is just going to mean that those of who who might have to visit a doctor for a genuine and serious reason are going to have to wait in the waiting room for hours along with dozens of little brats who have nothing worse than a scratch or a sniffely nose while their parents' Beamers and Land Rover Discoveries block the streets outside.

There are just no words to describe the level of complete insanity that this country has descended into.

Dare I suggest that if they stopped taxing us to the hilt, that maybe we could then all afford these services for ourselves?

Smoking, hard hats and the cane

I received an email a few weeks ago.

It was simple enough – would I be kind enough to do an interview?

I was in a good mood at the time so I agreed, despite the fact that I invariably decline such requests.  I am learning that a lot of my problems stem from agreeing to something while in a good mood, so from now on, good moods are out.

Naturally I asked what the interview was about and the answer was rather vague.  It was to be about my general attitude to life and stuff I write about, which is about as vague as anyone can get.

Now I hadn't used Skype on this laptop before.  On previous laptops I just slotted in my microphone and my earphones and away I went.  It transpires [and I never noticed this before] that there is only one little socket.  After a bit of exploring I realised that the socket combined microphone and earphones so how the fuck do I put two plugs into one socket?  In the end, I used the fiddley little  thing that came with my mobile phone.  It worked, but the little bean things I had to stick in my ears kept falling out.

Anyhows, I got Skype working and we started the interview.

He launched straight into a piece I had scribbled about being a discriminated smoker.

The feeling I got was that I had been invited to play a game.  Only when I got onto the pitch, was I told the game was soccer.  OK, that's fine, but a couple of minutes later I'm told that the game is actually cricket so I have to do a rapid adjustment.  Two minutes later I find myself playing rugby, followed buy American football followed by tiddlywinks.  To say it was confusing was putting it very mildly.

What made things even worse was that William [the interviewer] not only knew exactly what he was going to ask next but the little sleeveen had researched each one.  When I call him a sleeveen, I am being very polite; God knows why?

Things weren't helped by the hangover and the fact that the little beans kept falling out of my ear. 

I got another email when I got back on Monday.  I had hoped he had forgotten all about the interview and had moved on to better things, but the email informed me that he hadn't.  He had published it.

You can find the original here.

However, I have done a bit of editing [if he can do it then so can I] and have removed half an hour of politicians [oh that I could do that in real life] and here is the result –