In which I learn of forced freedom

I appear to be in trouble again.
No matter how hard I try I always seem to get it wrong.

 You see, I have been castigated by Supershadow once more and once more he is trying to get me to see the light.  His light, that is, not mine.

Once again you have disgraced yourself, once again have shown what a sexist misogynist you are.

 I try to keep my standards high so I'm delighted to hear I'm succeeding.

To refer to your wife or any woman making flatulent explosions is not only downright rude but is hardly becoming of current affairs blogger???. Over the 7 years you have gone from being a crank to an even bigger crank. Your posts are a danger to humanity. 

Actually I never mentioned flatulence, but that's beside the point.  A "current affairs blogger"?  No.  You have it all wrong.  I'm just a bloke who types out the odd thought that crosses my mind.  I glad to hear I'm getting crankier though and the concept that my posts are a danger to humanity is extremely flattering.  I didn't think I had that many readers.

How many deaths has your web site caused. How many smokers are dying of cancer right now having read your blase attitudes to passive smoking?  HOw many people will die in the floods and the freak weather because of your bad example with regard global warming.

Good God!  I really and honestly never realised that I had such an impressive influence on the world.  The thought that my humble site may have caused deaths is quite mind boggling.  I never realised that I had such influence over smokers, and are you honestly trying to imply that I cause Warble Gloaming?

As an aside, the answer to your question is none.  No one ever died from reading my site.  No one ever died from passive smoking and no one ever died from "Global Warming" apart from a few weather related deaths [that have been happening since man first stepped on this planet].

As a jedi Im a believer in being part of the system. freedom is safety. we must force the people to be free.
Freedom from driving too fast, freedom from e smoking and freedom from eating junk food.

We must force the people to be free?  Force is coercion and freedom is lack of coercion.  Do you see a contradiction here?  People are free not to drive fast just as they are free to not smoke and free to avoid junk food.  What's your problem?

We all breathe the same air- collective action, consensus is the future.
Given that the earth is in danger from global warming and terrorists we are in effect in a permanent emergency.

Once again, you're looking in the wrong direction.  The world is in danger from politicians and to hide that fact they distract you with imaginary Warble Gloaming and terrorist threats.  

Don't get me wrong granddad, Im not expecting you to kneel at the alter of star wars, but lucas is the salvation of humanity and he MUST be kept alive at all costs – even if its costs other lives to keep his heart going.

 I'm glad you don't expect me to kneel at the alter of Star Wars because there is no such thing.  I hate to burst your bubble, but Star Wars is just a film – a fiction – a piece of visual chewing gum.  I saw it, and while Carrie Fisher was rather fetching, the rest was mediocre.  It wasn't a bad film but it wasn't a great film either.  It is no more real than Middle Earth or Never Never Land and it frankly baffles me how people get sucked into this Jedi shit. 

And I hate to break it to you, but the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist either

Midi-chlorians are intelligent microscopic life forms that live symbiotically inside the cells of all living things – including you and me grandad. The highest known midi-chlorian count—over 20,000 per cell—belonged to the Jedi and higher breeds. People that you deride such as your fellow countryman duncan stewart- would likely have extremely high counts. The Mid-Chlorians can speak to the minds of theirnhosts.
Im afraid from your posts its obvious yours is quite low.

Sorry.  All bollox.

Except for Duncan Stewart.

He's a prick.

There will  be a united with it. It's  going to happen. Try having  a positive outlook on life. I I didnt get to be one of the world's premier documentary film makers on the  paranormal, cryptozoology and extraterrestrials by ranting on some obscure blog. Right know Im working as a consultant with disney searching for cast members for the new star wars films.

Careful now – you're contradicting yourself again.  Either I'm killing the masses with my writing or this is an obscure blog.  Make your mind up.

If you're one of the world's premier directors, how come I have never seen your name on-screen?

I even have  knowledge about secret Chinese and Russian operations in your country ireland.
Make your fucking mind up!  Are you a film director or an intelligence agent?  Who gives a shite what the Russians and the Chinese get up to here?  They couldn't be any worse than Brussels, and probably a lot better, so bring 'em on.
The options for tackling climate change are becoming limited grandad. Its time for you to be silent and listen to those few midi – chlorians that have been shouting at you for eons.
Can that wait until after I have lit the [oil-fired] central heating and burned that mountain of old car tyres in the back yard?

By the force

Buy the Valium


Teething problems

I have been thinking about upgrading my chainsaw for a while.

By sheer chance, a brand new one [metaphorically] landed on my lap the other day.

A bloke didn't want it as the chain kept coming off.  It's brand new and he has only used it a couple of times but has decided that either he doesn't like it or it doesn't like him.

Never one to look a gift horse in the arse, I took it and brought it down to Spanner.  "Teeth need filing" says he and that was it.  No offers to do it for me or anything, just a laconic grunt.  Bastard.

I took it asunder yesterday and had it in bits all over the kitchen table.  I don't know if any of you have tried filing chainsaw teeth, but it is a very messy job.  The chain is stiff in one direction and bendy in another so the damn thing kept getting itself tied in knots.  The individual links are small and they are damned difficult to hold still while filing.  Add to that the fact that it is like barbed wire and is oozing oil and you can see a problem emerging?

Anyhows I spent a not so happy hour or two filing the little ratchet parts of the teeth.  Some of the links needed doing and others didn't so I kept getting lost, as they all look exactly the same.  I ended up tying on a piece of string to mark my starting point but then kept getting confused as to which direction I was working in.

Eventually I reassembled the whole thing and left it in a corner of the kitchen with the intention of trying it out today.

I passed it this morning as it sat there leering at me and it was then I noticed I had put the fucking chain on backwards.

So now I have to head off and find all my tools again, disassemble it and reassemble it.

Fuck it.

It can wait 'til tomorrow.

More fracking drama

You really can't beat a good headline.

Ohio earthquakes linked to fracking

My first thought was whether I knew anyone in Ohio who might have been killed or injured.   Having decided I didn't, I relaxed a bit and envisioned devastated cities, fallen buildings and roads ripped up.

So I read a bit further.

They are talking about 1 or 2 on the Richter Scale.

For fuck's sake!

Herself whacks off bigger explosions than that after a feed of onions.

I have been know to hit a 3 after a good Vindaloo.

Lorries driving up the road probably cause a greater shake.

The Earth's crust is constantly in motion,  A seismometer is rarely still.  "Earthquakes" [or to give them a more accurate name - minor tremors, or microearthquakes] on the scale of 1 or 2 happen on a daily basis just about everywhere and only the most sensitive instruments can detect them.

So maybe the headline should read -

Nothing out of the ordinary in Ohio linked to fracking

It makes more sense.

Fracking idiots.

In which I agree with John Waters

John Waters has described sleepless nights, losing a stone in weight and how he is afraid to go into Dublin's city centre at night in the wake of the Pantigate controversy.

Don't ask me what this "pantigate" thing is all about.  I [and everyone else bar John Waters] has forgotten all about it.  I gather he made some homophobic comments on television?

In his first interview since the event, the controversial columnist also defended his €40,000 settlement with RTE – saying he believes he could have received €4m from the national broadcaster if the libel proceedings had gone to a full hearing.

"What is the great crime in taking money off the state broadcaster?" he asked, in an interview near his holiday home in Sligo town yesterday.

No crime at all if you are greedy enough to get your snout in the trough of taxpayers' money.

"Let me tell you this, if this had gone on, it isn't €40,000, I would have got €4m out of RTE."

Four million?  I suppose we can all dream?

Mr Waters also took the opportunity to reinforce his stance on gay marriage and adoption.

If you have inveigled your way into a newspaper you might as well use the opportunity.  Right?

"This is about free speech. It is about the rights of people to speak about what is important without being demonised," he said.

No it's not.  It's about a has-been hack trying to bolster his ego yet again.

Waters told the Sunday Independent he has been left fearing for his personal safety.

What?  Is there a baying mob outside the front door?  Are they burning a crucifix on the front lawn?  Or is this a weency bit of an exaggeration?

"I won't go in to Dublin city centre at night. When you have that kind of toxicity generated out of nothing, what are you going to do? It's not worth it."

Well, at least Dublin City centre is off the hook.  Any chance you can widen your no-go area?

"I was walking down the street and a guy on a bicycle shouted 'you f***ing homophobe' at me before cycling on. I was in a coffee shop on another occasion and a woman waddled over to me with a pram and told me I should be ashamed of myself before walking off. They are cowards, they shout something and keep walking, they don't want to engage.

Count your blessings.  At least some of your relations are still talking to you?

"I was frightened almost in a metaphysical way, that people could be so full of hatred. That, in accusing me of hatred, they could manifest a hatred infinitely greater than anything I could possibly imagine."

Oh for fuck's sake!  Get a fucking grip.  What the fuck is a "metaphysical fright" anyway?  Do you even know what the word means or do you use it because it looks impressive?

Asked if he had become depressed as a result of the national backlash, he said, "I don't believe in depression. There's no such thing. It's an invention. It's bullshit," he said, "it's a cop out."

Phew!  That's OK then.  No such thing as depression.  You'd better immediately get onto AWARE and all those tens [if not hundreds] of thousands of people who are under the delusion that they are depressed?  Mind you, for someone who is so scared of the mob you don't half like stirring the shit?  Whoops – the shit is stirred.

He also described how the backlash had taken a personal toll on his physical health: "I lost nearly a stone in the first few weeks of this. I didn't sleep."

Write a book about it.  There are thousands who would love to lose a stone or two.

Mr Waters said he gave serious consideration to quitting journalism and is still considering leaving Ireland to work elsewhere.

So there's still hope?

"I have no friends in the media anymore."

Aw Diddums! You still seem to get into the press though?

Describing the lowest point, he said it was the realisation that no one would speak out in his defence.

Maybe because you're indefencable?

"You have a certain hope that somebody, somewhere knows you for who you are, you kind of have some kind of naive hope that one of these people are going to stand up and say 'hang on, this is wrong, this is not this guy' and that moment never came."

But we do know you for what you are.  That's your problem.

In a passionate interview, Waters also defended previous statements he made on gay marriage and adoption which have landed him in hot water.

Questioning gay adoption, he drew parallels with two brothers taking paternal responsibility of a child.

"If two brothers who love each other in a particular way decide 'we would like to adopt a child' this society would regard that as an absurdity, they would laugh them out of court.

"Yet if two men who are involved in a sexual relationship go forward to adopt a child we are told now, that should be okay? I find that really hard to understand, intellectually. Why is it that it is okay but it is not okay for two brothers or two straight men? I think that's a legitimate point."

There is a world of difference between homosexuality and incest.  For someone who tries to come across as a well-read intellectual, you can be remarkably dim at times.

He went on to describe as 'satirical' the fight to introduce gay marriage, when the core of the traditional family unit remains so broken.

"There is something fundamentally wrong to go off then and to come up with a peripheral issue, which gay marriage is in my view, and to deal with that first, when the raw bloody core of our family law and our family life in this country . . . that is satire. It is a mockery of reality to actually deal with something so peripheral and marginal, when there is such a wound at the heart of our culture. So I make no apologies for calling it a satire. It is satirical."

So we can only handle one issue at a time?

He defended his use of the word 'buggery', questioning why anyone would take offence to the term.

"People are selectively finding things offensive to suit themselves. But what is so offensive about the word buggery? I mean it's a phenomenon, it's a word to describe a physical function. My definition is anal penetration by men. It is very clear what it means. It is a term to describe a physical function, end of story. Why is it offensive? If the act is not offensive to people, why should the word to describe it be offensive?"

And here finally, we come to a point of mutual agreement.  Buggery is just a word and people can choose for themselves whether to be offended by it.  Just as "egotistical", "self-obsessed" and "cunt" are just words.

Speaking about the international attention the controversy had attracted, he questioned the interference of high-profile figures from both and home and abroad.

The "International attention"?  Headlines in the Washington Post?  Guest appearances on Oprah?  Back page of the Sligo Tribune?

"I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Madonna but people should mind their own business. Just like Pat Rabbitte should mind his own business.

I don't spend any time thinking about Madonna.  Got a thing for her, have you?

"He chose to intervene in this at a critical moment on an entirely one-sided basis. He is the Minister for Communications, I was on the BAI (Broadcasting Authority of Ireland) for three years while he was minister, we are the authority, the people who form and implement policy. Not once in that time did that minister come to sit at our table to discuss anything with us. So I would suggest that he does his job rather than interfering in issues that had nothing to do with him."

Mr Waters said he feels as though he has been "tarred and feathered" and "put on trial" for his beliefs.

If you keep coming up with bullshit ideas and courting controversy then what do you expect?

"Enda Kenny used to be against gay marriage and now he is not. Not one journalist has asked him to explain the trajectory of his change of heart."

Because no one could be bothered asking a politician how his mind works.  It's murky territory

On his history of legal disputes and settlements he said each one: "went to the very core of my being and my spirit."

Then stop wasting the courts' time with your petty whinging.

Egotistical self-obsessed cunt.

The Flight of the Bumble Bee

I just had a rather surreal experience.

I was sitting here at the window, idly contemplating nothing in particular, as one does of a Sunday afternoon.  Penny was asleep on the couch opposite me snoring gently.  All was quiet and tranquil apart from a blackbird singing in the trees outside.

Net thing – PUFF!  A Bumble Bee flew through the room.

Now you may think this is normal and may be wondering why I should even bother mentioning it, but believe me – it was fucking weird.

You see, the bee commenced his flight in the middle of the room.  He didn't take off from anywhere.  He was just there – flying.  One instant there was nothing and the next instant he was flying at full throttle mid-air. Where the fuck did he come from?  He made both Penny and me jump.

Those of you who are familiar with Bumble Bees will know that they aren't exactly sophisticated flying machines.  They have one speed which will not vary until they smack into a window pane.  They also tend to be noisy so you can always hear them approach.

I therefore discounted a theory that this bee had approached in silent mode and had then slammed on the afterburners mid-flight.  Unless they are developing stealth warfare, I think that was unlikely.  For the same reason I also discounted the theory that he had been flying supersonic and had just decelerated below Mach 1 in my sitting room.  Anyway I would have noticed the sonic boom.

Another theory that crossed my mind was that God in his infinite wisdom had edited the film badly and had introduced a continuity error in the film of life.  A bee that wasn't there in one frame appeared in the next.  I discounted that also as there were no other breaks in continuity.

That left me with only one possibility – I had witnessed time travel first hand.

Someone in the future [though it could have been in the past?] will be fucking around with a time travel machine, and for the lark will decide to zap a Bumble Bee and transport it back to 2014 whereupon it materialises mid-air in my sitting room, wondering what the fuck just happened.  It's the only plausible explanation.

If that's the case, then that's fine by me, though I would rather get a little warning in advance.

I'm just worried my time travel friend will start experimenting with elephants.