Having a Late Life Crisis

I have a small problem.

I realised during the week that there was a major omission in my life. 

I had never had a Mid Life Crisis!

I am led to believe that a MLC is one of the essentials in life on the way to seniority and ultimately old age.  In my younger days I used to look forward to entering that phase of buying motor bikes, growing my hair even longer, wearing gold medallions and having limitless affairs, but when the time came I seem to have forgotten about it.

So I am wondering if there is some kind of statute of limitations on MLCs?  Could I still have one if I try hard enough?

I know a MLC is supposed to be a vain and fruitless attempt to recapture past youth, so is there a Late Life Crisis where I can attempt to capture my Mid Life years?  This could work quite well, as during my recaptured Mid Life I could then have a Mid Life Crisis [being an essential ingredient of Mid Life], to bring me back even further.

I could do the motor bike thing.  I quite fancy one of those yokes with tyres that look like they're off a lorry, or even a three wheeler with Easy Rider handlebars.  I'm getting a bit long in the tooth for chasing dolly birds though, as these days I find that when I catch them, I'm a little out of breath.  Young women seem to run a lot faster these days.

But then is it worth it?  During my Mid Life I was stuck with a mortgage and a job that was passable but which I wouldn't want to repeat.  And then there was all the hassle of a teenage daughter driving me insane with incessant tantrums, and all the other glories that come with teenagehood.  I wouldn't want to repeat any of those.  I would miss the Interweb too.

So maybe I'm just better off forgetting about the whole business?  Chalk it up to an unfortunate lapse in the path through life?  Remember to have it next time when I am reincarnated into my next life?

I'm storing up quite a few things to do in my next life.

I'm quite looking forward to it


Something must be done

I hate these modern words and expressions they keep coming up with.

You know the kind of thing – "staycation" or "glamping" or the latest to be found in this area, "no fry zone".

Yes, our county council wants to ban all fast food outlets within 400 metres of a school.  There are so many things wrong with this that I really don't know where to begin.

For a start, who are these cunts who are calling for the ban?  Are their kids all overweight, in which case it's their own fucking fault?  Or are they concerned about other people's kids, in which case it is none of their fucking business.  Are the parents of Ireland so fucking incapable of rearing their little brats that they have to appeal to the local council to do their parenting for them?  This "No Fry Zone for Kids" group are just another of these damned "something must be done" groups that seem to be crawling out from under stones across the country.  Something should be done about them, preferably something involving barbed wire and hot coals.

There is another little problem that seems to have escaped their attention.  They may live in big towns but what about the villages?  The national school here is virtually bang in the middle of the village, so to protect the precious little snot gobblers, our village cannot serve chips [fuck off with your “fries”, America!] or fast food anywhere?

I have no great love for fast food outlets, and in fact shun them like the plague, but that is beside the point.  The point is that these precious little snowflakes want to deny the very existence of a fast food outlet in my village.  If one did want to open up here then my only concerns would be whether they blended in with the local architecture and what they intended to do about all the rubbish that seems to accumulate around them.  If the local parents didn't want their little rug rats frequenting the place then that up to the local parents, and not the fucking council and definitely not up to a group of feeble minded, Nanny loving parents in a town miles away from here.

I really am getting very tired of these groups that want others to do their damned parenting for them.  A kid gets knocked down in the road and immediately a group wants stupidly unrealistic speed limits everywhere.  A kid drowns and a group immediately wants all lakes filled in and rivers fenced off.  Now there is a mythical "obesity epidemic" and all fast food outlets are to be shunned.  Where the fuck is it all going to end?

The solution to all these so called problems is really very simple.

If you are incapable of bringing up kids properly then you shouldn't have the little bleeders in the first place.

Don't try and make them my problem.


Do NOT let your children see this

I take back everything I said yesterday.

I read an article today that really is astounding, and vital in its importance to the future of humanity.

I'm glad to say that the world's meeja are picking up on this vital news and flashing it around the globe.  One cannot underestimate the importance of this shocking article, and I hope everyone on the planet gets to see it.

You see, a man was filmed lighting up a cigarette!

Yes – a cigarette!

Actually lighting it!

On a train!

In Australia!

Isn't that absolutely horrific?  The mere thought of it makes my mind bleed.  The video is only ten seconds long, but that's enough. It is ten seconds of sheer horror.  It is seared forever into my retinas and I doubt I will ever sleep again.  It is truly shocking.  Shocking, I tell you.

I really have to ask myself what the world is coming to when a person can actually be seen lighting up a cigarette.  Thank God there was somebody there handy with a camera, because without pictorial evidence I just wouldn't have believed it.  Thank God also that the person with the camera was civic minded enough to share the evidence with the planet.  Where would we be without these selfless photographers?

Next thing they'll be showing videos of fat people eating.  Shudder!  Stomach churning!

Thank you Frank for highlighting this vital item.

I am forever in your debt.