Easter tidings

Head Rambles Posted on by 8

I see our Great and Glorious Mehole Martin, Teashop of this great land, may be in trouble.

I sincerely hope so anyway.

The news is out that he attended and Indoor Gathering during lockdown which is of course illegal under the strange and restrictive rules he himself laid down

Taoiseach’s attendance at Cork boxing club event during indoor gatherings ban was ‘not personal’.

Of course this may mean that he wasn’t there in person but was merely a hologram beamed in from his bunker in Merrion Street. I doubt that though. It’s far more likely that the Virus, in a hitherto undiscovered feature, doesn’t actually attack people if they are on “official business”. This is bad news for all those doctors and nurses who contracted the Virus in the past, but maybe they were infected during their tea break? It’s good news for the rest of us though. For example I can do what I like, as whatever I do can be classed as research for my scribbling, which of course is official business.

On another note there has been considerable disquiet in medical circles concerning the UK Variant, the Brazilian Variant and the South African Variant. Why, they ask, should these three get into the news all the time? It’s not fair, they cry. We want a mention too. Well, it looks like they may have discovered an Irish Variant. It will of course be 185% more deadly and a thousand times more infectious that any of the other piffling variants and should us firmly back centre stage. Don’t mess with a country that was a world leader in smoking bans and who won the Eurovision Song Contest more times than any country in history. We do things in style here.

In yet more news, I can officially announce that my meadow is now cut. The first time in a year, or in the case of one large swathe, two years. I told you I could do it, oh ye of little faith.

 

Banality

Head Rambles Posted on by 10

I remember many many years ago coming across a concept known as a “Blog”.

Being in the webby business at the time it piqued a mild interest so I looked it up. Apparently it was short for Web Log and had nothing to do with a particularly large turd. People updated their little sites with their daily activities. In other words, it was a diary.

I used to keep a diary journal and frankly it was boring and tedious most of the time. There might be the odd interesting event like going on a holiday or being arrested for being drunk and disorderly but in the main it was as boring as modern television. The idea of putting this sort of crap in a public arena for the entire world to read struck me as not only an act of crass egotism but also a completely pointless waste of time.

Of course time passed and I started messing around with the software. I stuck it on the Interwebs as a temporary thing while I continued my messing. Somehow I forgot to delete it and nearly fifteen years later this here site is the result. My excuse is that I’m still messing with it so it’s still classed as temporary.

In those days I steered clear of tedious facts and took more delight in flights of fancy. Sometimes facts would creep in but the idea of a diary? Forget it!

The years rolled by, time passed and I duly became older, wiser and a bit more senile. Things were quietening down in my life when along came The Virus. If life was quiet and repetitive before, it was sheer wild abandonment compared to the days that arrived with The Virus. This lark has been going on for over a year now and the days roll into weeks roll into months and nothing much happens. I have taken to idly mentioning what I am at around The Manor and the realisation has hit me – I’m writing a fucking diary! The site has become the one thing I once classed as odious egotism.

I suppose I might as well continue seeing as I have already sunk to this level. I still refuse to call it a “Blog” as that still has connotations of enormous turds. So tune in every day to read my latest exciting exploits. I guarantee to raise the hair on you head with excitement.

Saturday:

Had a lie in this morning.

Got up.

Drank tea.

 

Easter Resurrection

Head Rambles Posted on by 19

I am starting on a quest that may take some time.

It may even kill me. Who knows? There will be major obstacles to overcome and certainly a hell of a lot of hard work.

But the decision is made. I’m going to try to cut my lawn.

It was last cut well over a year ago. It has now graduated to the level of meadow and in some areas it’s just plain wild.

My lawn?

I phoned the Mower People. Would they be interested in getting my mower into a reasonable semblance of a functioning machine? They asked for photographs. I set up a little web page with a gallery of pictures and a list of things that were definitely wrong such as two flat tyres and a gaping hole where the metal had rusted away. They laughed. It wasn’t the pictures that amused them – it was the idea that I thought it would ever work again. That hurt.

I asked if they’d do a trade in. They laughed again and said they had enough useless junk but thanks for the offer. They then tried to sell me a machine for about two grand. It was my turn to laugh.

I decided to fix it myself.

The first problem is the wheels. The two front ones are flat and I know from experience that I could inflate them with a massive effort [they are tubeless] but that they would be flat again before I had even done one circuit of the meadow. I toyed with the idea of filling them with that expanding foam that builders use but decided in the end to fit inner tubes. I searched the Interwebs and found a shop that sells the right sizes so I ordered three, as one of the back tyres is a bit iffy at times. That cost me well under €40. They arrived yesterday.

Today I’m going to try to fit tubes in the front two wheels. I know from experience that this will involve a ton of swearing and sweat and not a small quantity of blood.

If I get the tubes fitted I come up against the next problem – the battery is fucked. I have it on charge since early this morning so there might be enough charge in it by this evening. I’ll buy a new battery on-line next week. They cost around €60.

The rust bit I will ignore. It means the blades are exposed but I never get off the mower when it’s running so my feet are safe. I hope.

Assuming the engine still works [I haven’t tried it yet] I will have to mow the meadow several times to get it to reasonable height. I’m also going to have to rake it each time which is a pain in the hole [but hopefully not a sharp pain in the chest].

So my useless heap of junk that wasn’t even worth floor space will be fixed for under €100.

Eat your heart out, Mower People.

 

The need for speed

Head Rambles Posted on by 6

Well, that’s that then.

I have attended the last appointment in a long string of appointments that disappear over the horizon behind me.

Most of them have been with the opticians or the ophthalmologists but there were a couple of others thrown in for good luck. Today was just a quickie – to collect my latest spectacles with latest lenses. They’re actually very similar to my last lot but what the hell. At least I can see what I’m typing now without squinting.

My next appointment isn’t until December so I can enjoy the summer in peace. Normally it would be in three months time but they are so happy with my progress and with my assurances that I am applying eye-drops every night that they said the end of the year was fine. They ascribed my recovery as a living testament to their eye-drops. I didn’t bother telling them I was lying – I haven’t used the drops in months as they sting like fuck.

One of the really big things I love about retirement is the lack of any rigid routine. I have come to dislike appointments of any kind as they are an intrusion into my carefree and sloppy regard for time or place. I don’t mind meeting people in the coffee shop [if I still have a coffee shop to meet in] but anything that requires an entry in my calendar is an intrusion into a life of spontaneity and lack of purpose.

So with my last appointment behind me I celebrated by playing one of my favourite games on the way home – Speed Limits.

Speed Limits is a great game. It should only be played on narrow country roads with loads of humps and bends. It’s a very simple game – just see how far you can drive without dropping below the speed limit. Major bonus points if you can make it to the next change in limit without hitting anyone or crashing. Great craic. It requires a good nerve, rapid reflexes, tyres that aren’t too bald and good eyesight.

At least I have the eyesight bit now.