I listened to a radio programme yesterday.

Herself told be about it after it was over and I decided to listen to the playback even though I cannot stand that Joe Duffy fella.  It was a tricky job as for some reason my Firefox wouldn't play it, so I switched to Windows [*spit*] where it played perfectly but I couldn't record it.  Back to Linux where I installed Opera and that worked.

It starts off with an Arse-Wipe from Hell called Philip Tobin.

Now dear Philip is the ultimate little shit and he hates smokers, for no reason that I could ascertain other than a religious fervour.  He once interviewed a candidate for a job in his company.  He told her that she was the best person for the job, and the job was hers.  He then discovered that she smoked so he fired her again on the grounds that all smokers "smell in every respect" [his words, not mine].  

Anyhows dear Philip is now complaining that tobacco companies should be banned from advertising.  It was politely pointed out that advertising is banned but he says they are still advertising in trade magazines, which are available only to retailers.  The idiotic cunt couldn't seem to understand that a trade magazine is restricted to shopkeepers and is therefore not available to the public, and argued that shopkeepers are members of the public.  This is the level of lunacy in the head of a fanatic apparently.

Now the programme descended into a general discussion on tobacco and we were joined by my personal pin-up – Luke Clancy.  It was entertaining stuff.

We learn that for example if a corner shop stops selling cigarettes [that make up to 35% of their turnover] that the people will spend all that money they have saved in the same shop but on other things.  Wow!

We hear that all smokers die by the time they are 60, and if they reach 65 they are exceptionally lucky.

We hear from a man whose lungs are totally fucked and who has to now wear an oxygen mask and all because of smoking.  The fact that he worked in an asbestos factory is apparently irrelevant and it's definitely the smoking that caused his health problems.

We hear from a woman whose father started smoking at the age of 9 and died when he was 92.  All that time he smoked untipped cigarettes [he called them “cigarettes with no knickers on”] and also enjoyed his pint and two whiskey chasers.

We hear from a bloke who gets his "illegal" cigarettes delivered to his door at half the price.  The bastards never mentioned who does the deliveries.

We hear that the tobacco companies are jumping the gun on the new EU directives and are introducing the new compulsory packaging early to make the transition easier for retailers and customers.  This apparently is a devilishly clever plot on the part of the industry to do something, but I'm not quite sure what.  It seems logical to me.

The programme ended on a high note with Luke Clancy nearly in tears with joy – he had heard of a girl who at the age of 16 had never heard of Benson and Hedges.  This apparently made the whole pogrom against smokers worthwhile.

There were so many gems in the programme that it's hard to remember them all.  It was compelling listening. 

Do listen.  It's worth it!  I can guarantee a few laughs.

Technical note – apologies for the blank yoke above!  The file was too big for my wee server so I decided to stick it on YouTube.  They won't accept audio files so I had to convert it into a video with no video, if you get my drift.


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Auditory delights — 16 Comments

  1. he had heard of a girl who at the age of 16 had never heard of Benson and Hedges. No surprise there, should have asked if she knew the name 'Marlboro Light' …or more likely ' Cutters Choice'.

  2. Firefox wouldn't play….switched to windows….couldn't record….back to Linux….installed opera….

    File too big for server….no audio files on youtube….convert to video….

    My God man! You really do go the extra mile to bring us a blog post!

  3. A teenage girl hadn't heard of Benson & Hedges; therefore she won't get cancer or bronchitis.

    According to the same logic, if a teenage girl hasn't heard of Durex Gossamer, it follows that…….?!

    Has that radio host Joe Duffy heard of Aristotle's syllogisms?

      • A syllogism begins with a major premise; then follows a minor premise, and a conclusion. Exempla gratia:

        1. All Dubliners live in Leinster.

        2. Paddy is a Dubliner.

        3. Therefore Paddy lives in Leinster.  QED

        Now consider this syllogism, as explicated to me in McDaid's pub a while ago by a would-be logician:

        a. Some girls are university girls.

        b. Maggie Browne is a university girl.

        c. Therefore Maggie Browne is some girl!

        What's wrong with the second example? For starters, as noted by comic writer Myles na gCopaleen, the conclusion is invalid because it is based on licensed premises.

        If you want to enlighten Joe Duffy on the finer points of Aristotle's logic, just phone his radio show 1850 715 815, Monday to Friday from 12.30pm – 3.15pm

  4. Sometimes the best thing I can do is read the post then the comments and then just keep my virtual mouth shut and snigger for several minutes.

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