There is a bit of a kerfuffle in the meeja at the moment about rugby.

It seems that the lads on the rugby field are much too rough and run the risk of injuring each other.  We can't have that can we?

Injuries on the sports field reduce the players' lifespan and cost our health services trillions each and every year.  They entice our cheeeldren to play rough and send out a message of aggression which we must not tolerate.

I would suggest a new rule for all field games, such as rugby, soccer or American football.  It's a simple rule.  No player must go within six feet of another player.  Problem solved.

Of course, having solved the rugby problem we must look further afield [if you’ll pardon the expression] and look to other sports which have the potential for injury, of even [God forbid] death.

Sky diving?  Now the potential for mishaps here is quite large and I would suggest that the problem lies not with the sky diving itself but with speed and altitude.  So I propose that sky diving only be allowed if the aircraft is stationary on the ground.  Of course there is still a potential for the odd twisted ankle, but that is surely better than being splattered over half a parish?

Motor racing?  This is the simplest of all.  A speed limit of 30 mph [or 50 kmph in new money] would apply to all racing involving a motorised vehicle.  If it's good enough for the ordinary motorist it's damn well good enough for them.

Skiing?  Now we all know the tales of woe where people ruin a perfectly good holiday by breaking a limb or two?  This must indeed be stopped.  Skiing should be confined to slopes no greater than five degrees from the horizontal [up or down – it makes no difference].

Rock climbing?  Now here is a potential for real disaster.  Rock climbing should be confined to slopes not greater than thirty degrees and no higher than six feet.

Boxing?  Same six foot rule as for field games.

Water sports?  Another simple one.  Ban the use of motors and use oars instead.  This applies to water skiing, power boat racing and jet skis.

Golf?  Now you might think this is a safe game but have you ever been struck by a golf ball?  They are really fucking HARD.  I should know.  They really should play with balls made of soft sponge.  Also every golfer should be fitted with a lightening conductor.  These rules should also apply to cricket.

Hockey in its various forms needs the same rule as for field games but they should eliminate balls or pucks which are much too hard for a civilised world.

Clay pigeon shooting?  Just ban the guns.  Much too dangerous.

Competitive sports in general provide far too many opportunities for injury and even death.  It astounds me that these sports were even invented in the first place.  Maybe the simplest solution would be to simply ban all competitive sports?

Except maybe Competitive Yoga?

You can't be too careful.



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Making sport safe — 14 Comments

  1. FYI: In regard to motor racing, it has been shown that there is considerable benefit to be had from restricting driving speeds to 20 mph. It might be worth considering in case pedestrians wander onto the racetrack.




    • Welcome Silverbear!  How silly of me and of course you are right.  Scrap the speed limit and introduce a man with a red flag.  Historical precedents are always right.

  2. Horse racing: Just look what can happen in the Grand National at Aintree when there's a pileup of falling horses at Beecher's Brook. It's like the recent election when about 50 sitting deputies lost their seats, except some of them get pensions. Fallen horses often get put down by the vets, and jockeys get broken arms and backs.

    They should keep jockeys away from the race horses and replace them with inflatable figures sporting the owners' colours.

    • Replace the lot with midgets on Shetland ponies. They'll all stop at the first fence. It's the only way to be sure. 

      • No, no, no, Ger and Rick.  They should replace the horses with the deputies, and get them put down by vets when they fall over.  It’d be safer for the jockeys, too – not so far to fall. 

        Then they should allow the horses to stand for election as deputies – they’d probably do much better job than the current incumbents are doing, and they’d get a pension at the end of it.  Sorted!

  3. Rick,

    I'm from the, "Society of Cruelty to Shetland Ponies," and the authorities have been alerted by us to your scandalous comments!!!

  4. Rick,

    I'm from the, "Society of Cruelty to Little People," and the authorities have been alerted by us to your scandalous comments!!!

    • If they abide by the six foot rule then the bubble wrap shouldn't be necessary.  But then you can't be too careful?

  5. Funnily enough, I saw an item on one of those daytime TV shows about walking rugby – seems to be an idea they've had for keeping pensioners active, where oldies stroll round the pitch and you're not allowed to break into a run. Never got how you were supposed to tackle though – maybe ask the lad with the ball politely or something?

    Mind you, I've always thought there was a logical flaw with rugby. In college most lads (and lasses) joined the rugby club for the trips away,  the drinking and the chance of a shag in a strange town. What I could never understand is why they insisted on  that 90 minutes running round a muddy field on a cold day before getting on to the main event. You could catch a cold or something before your first pint. Crackers!

    • My idea of a great night's sport is a few ends of Bowls followed by a feed of drinks.  I skip the Bowls bit though.

      • I was once persuaded to try my hand at Bowls at a local club, after a few pints i agreed, then dropped the  bowl thing on my foot………Fuck that.  Ive not been back since.

  6. I am a bit disappointed Grandad i would have thought you would have known that the best way to make water sports safer is to taken them out of the water after it is real dangerous that,even before Irish water send you a bill!! lights fuse retreats to a safe distance

    • No need to worry about drowning.  Aren't there enough rules, laws and regulations that has everyone wrapped to the gills in life jackets, safety harnesses and floatation devices? 

      [*chucks some water on the fuse*]

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