It's time for the annual car test.

I really hate that car test as it means a lot of back breaking work.  I'm not worried about the mechanics of the thing – Spanner gave it the once over and declared it fitter than myself [cheeky bastard].  It is running smoothly and apart from a slow puncture which means I have to inflate a front wheel every few months [when I say slow I mean slow] it is indeed like a spring lamb.

The problem lies with the dog and the cunts up at the test centre.

Now dogs moult.  I moult.  Everyone moults.  But in a dog's case moulting involves vast quantities of hairs gently wafting in the breeze and blowing around in little eddies.  Even our Penny who is relatively short haired can turn an entire sitting-room carpet into a layer of dog hair within a day, so you can imagine what the inside of the car is like?  And the test centre cunts seem to have an aversion to dog hair.

It started a few years ago when they tightened their daft rules to include the necessity that the car be "clean".  What this has to do with road worthiness I don't know but the cunts in the centre interpret that to mean that the car must have no dog hairs in it, which is beyond ridiculous.  In their book, if there is a dog hair on the back seat, the vehicle is deemed unroadworthy.

Cleaning an ordinary car is no bother – a quick lash with a vacuum and a wipe with a damp cloth will do the trick in ten minutes.  Cleaning a dog-car means back breaking scraping of seats with combs, brushes, vacuum cleaner, more brushes, more combs and still there is a thick layer of hair everywhere.  Fortunately our Penny has a strange aversion to the front seat of the car which cuts the work down a bit from the days of our Sandy, when the entire car was fur lined.

From previous visits, I think I have sussed the limits of their tolerance.  By turning up with varying levels of fur I have discovered how much I can get away with before they threaten to fail the car.  Even then I invariably have to threaten them either with exposure on Joe Duffy or a tyre-iron.   

So now I have to gird myself with dry sponges, combs and brushes, not to mention the vacuum cleaner in order to clean the greater part of Penny out of the car before the next shower of rain.

I really fucking hate that car test.

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Failed by a hair — 16 Comments

  1. Now that you have cleaned it, why don't you put a blanket or sheet on the rear seat and the rear of the car?     Just before the test – remove blanket and 'all systems go'.


    No sense, you youngsters !


    (I did this with one of my children who seemed to puke at inopportune moments.   Worked fine.)

    • You underestimate both me and the dog.  Me, because I did indeed cover the entire back of the car with rugs after the last car test/clean, and the dog because she had still managed to cover the entire back of the car with fur even under the rug.  I haven't a clue how she did it.  It's quite clever when you think about it?

  2. I apologise in advance as this has nothing whatsoever to do with today's blog but I have just seen this on BBC news on the internet and think it is too important to miss, it concerns the four British women who have just finished rowing across the Pacific Ocean. The headline reads "Pacific Ocean Rowers, No cox crew reaches Australia"  That would be appropriate either way the fifth word is spelled.

  3. I'd be tempted to remove the seats altogether and put a folding lawn chair in for the driver position, with seat belts of course. 

    A friend of mine had a YUGO that was failing the smog check in Florida. It turned out it had a dropped exhaust valve and the piston was pushing the raw air fuel mixture out of the tailpipe. The garage want a thousand dollars to rebuild the head and replace the valve. He removed intake valve and hammered a wine cork in the valve seat. It passed the smog test and he drove it like that for 2 more years. 

    • Brilliant!  Why can't they make cars like that these days? 

      When they first introduced the test in Ireland I brought mine in.  Bloke came out with a glum face to inform me I had failed because of a duff headlight.  I gave the front wing a kick, the lamp lit and he cheerfully passed the car as fit and worthy. 

      These days they're all Jobsworths.

  4. Dear Grandad

    Just a thought – a set of car seat covers which you put on for the test, then pack away from the dog 'til next year.

    I look after peoples' homes and animals while they are on holiday (I get paid holidays with dogs, AGAs and other animals thrown in for free). All my charges get to visit my other charges, so my car seats are covered in every flavour dog hair and interesting muds, and are unfit for human habitation. My car gets cleaned once a year for its MOT, but you know how dog hairs stick.

    If they tried to fail on dog hairs, I'd ask to see the relevant legislation, check with the 'authorities', lodge a complaint, write to the papers, post on Facebook and take my custom elsewhere.

    However, none of the garages I've taken my cars to be MOTed have ever even hinted at such nonsense.

    Somehow it's the sort of thing I'd expect in Ireland.


    • A precondition is that the vehicle is "reasonably clean (especially the under body)".   The interpretation of "reasonably" seems to be at the discretion of the tester.  Some testers don't give a shite while others are right fucking Hitlers.  As for taking my custom elsewhere – they have that neatly sewn up.  The car has to be tested at one of their centres and there aren't that many of them, so it involves a long drive and invariably a long wait in the queue.

  5. "Cleaning a dog-car means back breaking scraping of seats with combs, brushes, vacuum cleaner, more brushes, more combs and still there is a thick layer of hair everywhere"

    Probably a stupid question GD, but have you thought about using one of those sticky lint rollers?


  6. Is there any rule about a dog being in the car whilst the test actually takes place? I have this vision of Penny / Jobsworth eye contact, a glint of a fang, and the woof equivalent of 'Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?'


    • There probably is.  Leastwise there is a rule about nearly everything else. I did think about bringing Penny but had other things to do after so I left her at home [she has only just forgiven me].  I wouldn't fancy blood all over the inside of the car anyway.

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