It's time for the annual car test.
I really hate that car test as it means a lot of back breaking work. I'm not worried about the mechanics of the thing – Spanner gave it the once over and declared it fitter than myself [cheeky bastard]. It is running smoothly and apart from a slow puncture which means I have to inflate a front wheel every few months [when I say slow I mean slow] it is indeed like a spring lamb.
The problem lies with the dog and the cunts up at the test centre.
Now dogs moult. I moult. Everyone moults. But in a dog's case moulting involves vast quantities of hairs gently wafting in the breeze and blowing around in little eddies. Even our Penny who is relatively short haired can turn an entire sitting-room carpet into a layer of dog hair within a day, so you can imagine what the inside of the car is like? And the test centre cunts seem to have an aversion to dog hair.
It started a few years ago when they tightened their daft rules to include the necessity that the car be "clean". What this has to do with road worthiness I don't know but the cunts in the centre interpret that to mean that the car must have no dog hairs in it, which is beyond ridiculous. In their book, if there is a dog hair on the back seat, the vehicle is deemed unroadworthy.
Cleaning an ordinary car is no bother – a quick lash with a vacuum and a wipe with a damp cloth will do the trick in ten minutes. Cleaning a dog-car means back breaking scraping of seats with combs, brushes, vacuum cleaner, more brushes, more combs and still there is a thick layer of hair everywhere. Fortunately our Penny has a strange aversion to the front seat of the car which cuts the work down a bit from the days of our Sandy, when the entire car was fur lined.
From previous visits, I think I have sussed the limits of their tolerance. By turning up with varying levels of fur I have discovered how much I can get away with before they threaten to fail the car. Even then I invariably have to threaten them either with exposure on Joe Duffy or a tyre-iron.
So now I have to gird myself with dry sponges, combs and brushes, not to mention the vacuum cleaner in order to clean the greater part of Penny out of the car before the next shower of rain.
I really fucking hate that car test.