I have a problem with kettles.

Or rather, I think they have a major problem with me.

When I first set up house we got ourselves a Russell Hobbs.  It was a fine yoke and did it's job well but after a while it sprang a leak.  It was where the spout joined the body and was impossible to repair.  I dumped it and bought a new one.

The next one just died.  Something blew in the element or something but whatever it was I dumped it and bought a new one.

Over the years this has continued with renewals on a regular basis.  Finally about six years ago I bought one that was all plastic.  Whatever about the element blowing, this one wasn't going to leak.

That one boiled water beautifully and it's element seemed capable of heating a swimming pool.  The fucking thing dribbled!  The fuckers had chosen design over function and no matter how I tried to pour it, it dribbled all over the place.  It had to go.

The daughter has a Tefal which she has had for years.  I bought one of them.  It had the right shape to pour and obviously was long lasting.  After a while the fucking element blew up.  I went to replace it with the same model but couldn't find it.  I made my choice out of the dozens on offer [most of them with that damned straight-up spout that dribbles] and brought it home.  That was a year ago.

Yesterday I realised there was a large pool on the counter-top and rivulets running down the cupboards to a lake on the floor.  The fucking thing was leaking.

By this stage, whenever I buy a kettle I keep everything – the box, the packaging and even the silly little condom that slips over the plug pins.  Naturally the receipt goes into the box too.

I'm just back from Skobievlle with a new kettle.  Yer Man in the shop said I was the first person ever to bring back an eleven month old kettle in its original packaging.  To quote him – most of 'em don't even have a fuckin' receipt.

The new kettle has no joints.  It's a stainless steel pot inside a plastic casing, and the steel pot is leak proof.  It's a Tefal so hopefully it will last as long as the daughter's which must be at least ten years old.  I read the manual [after making myself a grand mug of tea] and it warns me not to use it if I'm not experienced.  I have a driving licence so that will have to do.  I also mustn't use it at any altitude above 4,000 meters so the trip to Everest is off.  I got all that from their 101 page instruction manual, which to put it mildly is quite comprehensive.

Hopefully my troubles are over.

I'm still keeping the box and packaging though.

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Calling them black — 13 Comments

  1. What is it with the inability of modern designers to produce a spout that pours? It's not just the kettle, it's the coffee filter machine jug, the newish replacement milk jug – anything made in the last 20 years.

    • Form over function.  They have persuaded the buying public that a "straight up" edge is more pleasing to the eye.  The shop I was in had around 70 different designs from various makers and the vast majority had useless spouts.  Maybe the "straight up" does look a little sleeker, but I want it to work properly, not just admire the fucking thing.

  2. I’ve had at least four kettles in the last ten years. Everyone of them a plastic sit on type. All of them leaked.

    When I first left home on the late 70s, I got a steel kettle that sat on the gas hob. I lost it moving house a few years ago. I bet that thing still works though.


    • We used to have one of those old heavy aluminium ones with the S spout [and the notch in the end].  God knows how many years we had it.  I'd use it now but my father once used it for sealing a leak in the roof and melted some tar in it.  It hasn't been quite the same since.

  3. I've had a Philips cordless electric plastic kettle for a while and am satisfied. Things that bug me sometimes are dribbling teapots. The potters must be potty.

  4. I've had a Farberware glass kettle for several years.  It's never given me any trouble.  Now that I've read this, it probably will!  Before that I had a Brentwood, I think.  It leaked!  🙂

  5. Stove top stainless steel kettle seven quid from Aldi, does what it is supposed to do without fuss and without leaks. Gave up on the leccy kettle con aka inbuilt obsolesence years ago. For one who prefers function over form in so many things tis a wonder you persevere with the leccy kettle. I'm sure hersefl prefers function over form as she is still living with you.

    • "I'm sure herself prefers function over form as she is still living with you"  Are you implying that I'm an ugly stud?

  6. How can I when I have never shaken your hand?
    You are very functional though as this bloggy thing bears witness too..

  7. On the very rare occasion that I indulge in a hot drink, I find it far simpler to use the microwave. Less water dandruff than a kettle, too.

    • Welcome Smofunking!  Very hi-tech?  A saucepan over the fire would be easier?  I don't trust those microwave things….

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