This will bring a tear to your eye

I cooked the dinner last night.

There is nothing strange in that as I cook dinner most nights.  I don’t have the luxury of a slave to test my food before I eat it so cooking it myself is the best way to avoid being poisoned.

Herself was flicking through this site and grunting.  Occasionally she will tell me that I have written a good one [and they are generally the ones that garner the least interest] but most of the time she tells me I complain too much.  She’s complaining that I complain?  A nice touch of irony?

“Why don’t you write something decent?”  she asks.

“Everything I write is decent.”

“Write something different.  Write from the heart.  Write with some passion.  Write about something interesting.”

“Like what?”

“Write about that onion you’re cutting up.”

“For fuck’s sake!  No one is interested in a fucking onion.  An onion is an onion and nothing more can be said about it.  I doubt you could pick a more boring subject on the face of the planet.  Or any other planet for that matter.”

“But it looks like a nice one and I’m sure you could write something about it?”

I told her to fuck off and went back to my cooking.

She did have one point though.

It was a beautiful onion.

It was one of those Spanish ones and was big, firm, perfectly spherical and a lovely golden colour.  Mick down the vegetable stall knows I like ‘em big and firm and he keeps the best ones for me.  Fuck off onions, he calls them and this one he classed as a fuck off fuck off onion.  I could almost feel it cleaning out my pipes as I chopped it.  The very act of peeling it caused a ripper of a fart that echoed around the kitchen.

It was delicious.  Slightly undercooked to give it a touch of a bite.  These’s enough to last for another day or two as well.  And it had the desired effect this morning.  I like to keep regular.

But write about it?

No fucking way……

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Comments

This will bring a tear to your eye — 4 Comments

  1. Had an onion like that last week.  Big, juicy and really made my eyes water for hours.  So pleased that herself is well enough to criticise your scribbling again.  Any good curry needs perfect Spanish onions – do you have a perfect recipe?  Or is her-indoors not yet up to your extended culinary expertise?  Oh, by the way, and for no good reason, you just reminded me of a cat we once had who went mad for melon skins.  How's Penny?

    • I cheat with curries and ten to use a ready-mix that I'm rather fond of though I might throw in the odd spice or two on top.  I don't want to go into too much detail on recipes and the like as that will only turn this into one of those ubiquitous cookery sites.  And I'm certainly not going to print my secret recipe for my Savoury Mince and Onion!!

      Penny is happy.  Even happier now that Halloween is over.  It's the first time she has been scared of fireworks, but in fairness, they were literally bouncing off the roof.

  2. There is something very satisfying about a good, firm onion, I have to agree. We get mostly red onions here, and although they are good and tasty, it's rare to get a perfectly formed one. They're pretty motley as a rule.

    I remember as a boy reading a history book about the Roman Empire, and one of the snippets of information in there was that (I quote verbatim) "The Romans marched on onions…".

    Ever since then, I've never been able to shake the image of the Roman Legions stomping their way along roads ankle deep in pulverised onions…

    @BD  I once had a cat that would go ape-shit for cucumber. As soon as he smelled you cutting one for a salad, he would hassle you relentlessly until you gave him some. Strange…

  3. Well, I have to say that this is the first time I've  ever read a post that was (not) written about an onion. Never mind one that was (not) written about a perfectly formed onion.

    You've made my afternoon. And yes, I'm reading your posts out of order. Humor me–I'm sick.

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