Watch this space

I got a present of a watch about thirty or so years ago.

It’s a simple yoke – it has an hour hand, a minute hand and a second hand [why is it called a second hand when it’s usually the third to be mentioned?].  In addition there is a little digital display which can show a stopwatch [never used], an alarm [rarely used] or the day and date.

I liked that watch.  It was damned accurate and I always knew what day of the week it was.

Eventually, it wore out and stopped.  But I liked it so much I made a point of getting a new one of the same make and model.

I think I’m on the third generation now of that original watch and I’m still very happy with it.  It’s slim, it tells the time and a battery lasts about two years.

So along comes the new “must have” – the Apple Watch.

It tells the time all right and you can flick between different time displays.  What the fuck do you need to do that for?  The time is the time and I don’t need to be told two million different ways what o’clock it is.

You can contact your friends on it.  Why?  Don’t I have a phone for that?

You can send emails apparently.  Fuck off!  No one could possibly have fingers small enough to type on that screen so presumably you have to carry a keyboard around as well?

You can use it as a walkie-talkie.  Listen, you ignorant gobshites – that’s called a phonecall and I have a phone for that.

You can “tap” people.  What the fuck is that about?  You tap your watch and they feel it on their watch?  That sounds intensely irritating for the recipient.  Is this the new “poke”?

It keeps an eye on your health.  Sweet suffering Jayzus on a Segway!  I have a fucking doctor for that.  And I don’t need something to tell me about my heartbeat.  If it’s beating, I’m alive and if it isn’t, I’m dead, and I do not need some piece of junk to nag me about my levels of exercise.

On top of all that it looks about as comfortable as a brick and its battery apparently lasts one day.  Yes – one fucking day!

But the sad little sheeple have been told they need this.  They will mortgage their grannies and sell their daughters into prostitution so they can afford it.  They will camp out overnight because they have to be the first person to own one.  They don’t even realise that they never asked for any of those features, and have just been sucked into a gigantic marketing scam designed purely to part them from their cash.


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Watch this space — 12 Comments

  1. Dual time zones are very handy if you travel to other parts of the world, and don’t want to upset friends and relatives by phoning home at 3 am! However you don’t need a fucking computer to do that – my ancient Casio was providing such a facility decades ago…

    • We don’t have many time zones here in Wicklow so no problem there.

      Seriously though – is there anything this device does that can’t be done with a normal mobile phone and a laptop?  Apart from the tapping that is.  In future centuries they’ll look back and wonder how the human race managed without tapping?


  2. “its battery apparently lasts one day.”  Does that make it a 24 hour watch?

    Can you make it display a countdown to its death?

    Can the battery be replaced? Probably not.

    Can it be recharged???


    • The battery is fortunately rechargeable.  However, it is recharged by placing it beside something instead of plugging it in.    Presumably Apple users apparently can’t find their arse with both hands are incapable of putting a plug in a socket?

  3. Now wait a minute. I love my iPhone.  I am by no means an Apple zombie.  I don’t pay $3000 for a small not very powerful laptop nor do I have to get the new gadget right away.  My iPhone has taken the place of my camera and iPod and phone.  It’s all three in one and I like that.  Siri is handy as all hell.  I don’t dial phone numbers anymore unless I’m just putting the new number in my phone.  I say things like, “Siri, would you please call Jim”, and the number is dialed.  I like that!  It’s handy.   I have every intention of getting an iPhone 6+ in March when my current contract runs out.

    • But the big question is – have you been lying awake at night wondering how you could wear your iPhone on your wrist?  How many times have you wished you could have two million alternative displays for the clock widget?  You have an iPhone and that’s fine, but they are trying to persuade you to fork out hundreds for another device that mainly is just an addition to your phone…

      • Now you’ve got me there.  The Apple Watch is just a gadget.  Very true.  I’ll wait to get one when they are giving them away with the purchase of an iPhone.

  4. What Apple was careful to not mention is the that the apple watch only works if you also have the iPhone on you. If you forget your iPhone, lose it, or its battery dies, your apple watch also stops working.

  5. Yet another ‘you-don’t-really-need-it’ device to make people more lazy and inattentive than they are already. But I suppose everyone will finally be forced to buy one of these things when 2-factor authentication becomes a requirement instead of an option when logging into just about anything you can log into. Oh, and the “code by voice call” option will no longer be an option. It’s “send you a text” or “install this app” or nothing, sweetheart.

    At least then I’ll be able to renew my prescription medications by waving my watch/smart phone in the general direction of the pill bottles?

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