I got a present of a watch about thirty or so years ago.

It’s a simple yoke – it has an hour hand, a minute hand and a second hand [why is it called a second hand when it’s usually the third to be mentioned?].  In addition there is a little digital display which can show a stopwatch [never used], an alarm [rarely used] or the day and date.

I liked that watch.  It was damned accurate and I always knew what day of the week it was.

Eventually, it wore out and stopped.  But I liked it so much I made a point of getting a new one of the same make and model.

I think I’m on the third generation now of that original watch and I’m still very happy with it.  It’s slim, it tells the time and a battery lasts about two years.

So along comes the new “must have” – the Apple Watch.

It tells the time all right and you can flick between different time displays.  What the fuck do you need to do that for?  The time is the time and I don’t need to be told two million different ways what o’clock it is.

You can contact your friends on it.  Why?  Don’t I have a phone for that?

You can send emails apparently.  Fuck off!  No one could possibly have fingers small enough to type on that screen so presumably you have to carry a keyboard around as well?

You can use it as a walkie-talkie.  Listen, you ignorant gobshites – that’s called a phonecall and I have a phone for that.

You can “tap” people.  What the fuck is that about?  You tap your watch and they feel it on their watch?  That sounds intensely irritating for the recipient.  Is this the new “poke”?

It keeps an eye on your health.  Sweet suffering Jayzus on a Segway!  I have a fucking doctor for that.  And I don’t need something to tell me about my heartbeat.  If it’s beating, I’m alive and if it isn’t, I’m dead, and I do not need some piece of junk to nag me about my levels of exercise.

On top of all that it looks about as comfortable as a brick and its battery apparently lasts one day.  Yes – one fucking day!

But the sad little sheeple have been told they need this.  They will mortgage their grannies and sell their daughters into prostitution so they can afford it.  They will camp out overnight because they have to be the first person to own one.  They don’t even realise that they never asked for any of those features, and have just been sucked into a gigantic marketing scam designed purely to part them from their cash.

Sad.