I once had ambitions to be the Pope.

Oh for the joyful innocence of a seven year old!

I had it all mapped out.

I was going to become an alter boy and then move on to the priesthood and then stab an claw my way through the ranks of bishops and cardinals until I finally gained my rightful place on the throne.

Unfortunately, God had other ideas and gave me a massive dose of the flu on the day they were press ganging alter boys, so I fell at the first fence and was presumably denied the joys of being buggered by our local priest.

Maybe God regretted his hasty actions because years later, in secondary school we had visits from a group of Storm Troopers trying to get us to sign up for the priesthood.  They handed around application forms and some wanker in the class filled in my name and address.  It certainly wasn’t me, as I had used my form to fill in the name and address of Brian Hanrahan who was the class bully.  For weeks they kept calling around to the house and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  I told them I was a victim of a practical joke and they said that was fine; that people often had second thoughts and that they would pray with me to get me back on the path of righteousness.  In the end I just told them to fuck off and took to slamming the door in their faces.

So but for that quirk of fate and a dose of the flu, I could be over there in Rome right now.  I could be in there back-stabbing, blackmailing and bribing along with the rest of them.

I don’t regret it though.

I never looked good in a dress.

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Their loss — 38 Comments

  1. I could be in there back-stabbing, blackmailing and bribing along with the rest of them.

    Don't forget the buggery of alter boys as well!!

  2. A very good thing indeed that you never got shanghaied by Catholic church when you were young and impressionable (if you actually were young and impressionable). Otherwise you would have missed a lifetime of having a fine woman like Herself by your side.

  3. I'm just wondering GD, how do you know you never looked good in a dress?

    You don't say you're sure you wouldn't look good in a dress.. hmmm.

  4. I'm not normally one for pimping my site ( I actually pay a couple of 10 year olds to do that ), but your post is a bit of serendipity I can't pass up.

    As you know the Clod of Cardinals is even now attempting to select a new Pope. Well, not to put too fine a point on it, they're having the Devil's own time doing so. Infighting, back-stabbing, arguments over who wore which stole last, you name it. The long and short of it is they're soliciting nominations. But ONLY from devout, practicing Catholics. They have a couple of numbers their followers can call with their nominations and I've posted them here. Again, ONLY devout practicing Catholics should call.

    As a final note, it seems to me I've seen you, Grandad, in a dress. At one of those Irish Blog awards. 2-3 years back was it? While not perhaps your finest effort, I've seen far uglier at closing time.

    No – I'm NOT going to explain that.

    • Just out of interest, I wonder how they are supposed to know the callers are practicing?  Is there some kind of test?  Did they give out a secret password at mass last Sunday?

      And those fucking numbers are engaged all the time………..

      Regarding your final note – it could have been the year I nearly won the Rose of Tralee thingy?


      • I wonder how they are supposed to know the callers are practicing?

        They bottled some Pope Essence and dabbed the receiving phones with it; as the Pope is infallible, the phones heat up with the Devil's Breath when a non-practicing Catholic calls and the line is quickly disconnected.

        Uh…and a piece of advice? DO NOT call those numbers if you are not a practicing Catholic; a special Hell awaits those individuals anyway, you don't want to be needlessly added.

        RE Rose of Tralee: rings a bell. Wearing you wearing red that night?

  5. On the first morning of your papacy Grandad, what substance would you put into your pipe in order to give the tobacco smoke a white colour?  Habemus Grandpapam would be the camerlengo's triumphant call from St. Peter's balcony, of course. What would herself be called?

  6. My young brother-in-law in Dublin went to be a priest, this was back in the 60's and I think he was only 14 or so. However on his first visit home he managed to get a girl pregnant and that was the end of that, I don't think his mother ever forgave him.

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