I’m a man of many talents.

I’ve been known to throw together a fair meal. Our K8 says I cook a mean dinner [but I’m not sure what she means by that, exactly].

Anyway, I thought I’d share one of my recipes, as I cooked it last night and it’s delicious.

First of all, you need some dog. The hind leg off a local pooch will do. Of course it depends on the size of the dog. Your average dog has a hind leg of sufficient proportions for a meal for four, but if it’s a chiwawa, then just feck the whole thing in.Β  A cat is also a good source of protein.

First bone and dice the leg into quarter inch cubes. Then chop up a large onion. fry these gently in some oil. Not too much though.

Cut a head of broccoli into florets, and chuck out the bits that look like tree trunks. This should be steamed until it is beginning to turn soft. Don’t overdo this or the broccoli will turn soft and watery.

Chuck a tin of condensed chicken soup and a small carton of cream in on the meat and onions and remove from the heat. Stir it all up and bung in the broccoli. Give it a good old stir and then cover the lot in a layer of breadcrumbs. For the final touch, get a bag of salt and vinegar crisps. Crunch them into powder and sprinkle over the top.

Now put the lot in a preheated oven at 180C and leave for half an hour.

Serve on rice.

It is delicious.

If you have cooked it correctly, the onion and broccoli will still have a slight bit to them, while the meat will be tender. Of course this causes frightful flatulence, but that is a small price to pay. Just eat in the open air, and don’t expect a romantic night after.

Road kill is an adequate substitute for the dog, though the grit from the road can be irritating.

For the really squeamish, two or three chicken breasts will do.


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Beagle and broccoli bake — 36 Comments

  1. I would avoid cat as it is a bit too sinewy and you never know where it has been or what it has eaten. Speaking of what it might have eaten for that reason I would avoid using dog too. Because as you might know, some dogs can eat some rather disgusting things that other animals or mammals… Ahem.. Deposited.

    Mind you it doesn’t appear to bother the Koreans. Remember in Korea a dog isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for every Sunday dinner πŸ˜‰

    Donkey is good. Any donkeys around your place?

  2. For the really squeamish, two or three chicken breasts will do

    Steph – I tend to avoid cats. Or rather, they tend to avoid me. They’re too difficult to catch. I just mentioned them in case you had to throw a dinner party suddenly, and found the shops were shut.

    Robert – If I worried what my food had eaten further back on the chain [or what had pissed been sprayed on my vegetables] I’d never eat again.

    I have carved the odd slice off a donkey but there aren’t that many left here. You have to go further west.

  3. Just found your blog via Irish Blogs. Your Archive on Village Life is not a chuckle free zone, is it? Yeah I like your sense of humour. Now I know what to call mine, warped. But I like it.

    Back soon

  4. Nora – Welcome! I saw that. [I keep an eye on things..] Thanks. But it’s not theory; its fact πŸ˜‰

    Ainelivia – Welcome to you too! Two new visitors to the madhouse in five minutes!!

    Some call me warped. Some call me insane. But my psychiatrist says I’m improving.

    Grannymar – How could you imply I’d eat Sandy? That is horrible. She doesn’t seem to mind the prosthesis anyway….

  5. New Born Golden Retriever Bourguignon
    Yield: 4 servings

    5 medium onions sliced
    2 ts shortening
    1 Ts salt
    1/2 Ts crushed thyme
    1 1/2 tb flour
    1 1/2 c red burgundy
    1/2 lb fresh mushrooms
    1 new born golden retriever (ready to eat)
    1/2 Ts crushed marjoram
    1/8 Ts pepper
    3/4 c beef stock

    Cook and stir onions and mushrooms in hot shortening until onions
    are tender, drain on paper towels.

    Brown meat in same skillet, add more shortening as necessary.
    Remove from heat. Sprinkle seasonings over the retriever. Mix flour
    and retriever stock, pour into skillet. Heat to boiling, stirring
    constantly. Boil 1 minute. Stir in burgundy. Cover, simmer until
    retriever is tender, 1 1/2 to 2 hours.

    The liquid should always just cover the meat. (If necessary, add a
    little more bouillon and burgundy – 1 part bouillon to 2 parts
    burgundy.) Gently stir in onions and mushrooms, cook uncovered 15
    minutes, or until heated through.

  6. Kitten Livers with Onion Marmalade
    Yield: 2 servings

    1/2 cup butter
    2/3 cup snipped fresh chives
    1/2 cup sliced white onion
    1/2 cup sliced red onion
    1/2 cup sliced leeks
    3 large shallots, sliced
    2 teaspoons chopped garlic
    1/4 cup Sherry
    1/2 cup half and half
    salt and pepper
    1/2 LB kitten livers

    Melt 1/4 cup butter in a cast iron skillet over medium heat. Add
    chives, onions, leeks, shallots and garlic and cook until tender. Add
    sherry and stir until no liquid remains. Increase heat to high. Add half
    and half and boil until reduced, stirring constantly. Season with salt
    and pepper. Remove and set aside.

    Melt remaining butter over medium-high heat. Add kitten livers and
    cook to desired doneness. We recommend eating kitten livers
    medium rare.

  7. Grannymar – I wouldn’t eat Wouldya! Too tough!

    Brianf – That sounds delicious. Are you sure that a new born Golden Retriever would be enough for four? Maybe two puppies? Or wait ’til it’s three months old?

  8. Steph – That is DISGUSTING!! You couldn’t eat that to save your live. It is riddled with MRSA, Cholesterol and is totally saturated with Mad Cow Disease. It’s no wonder it always looks so depressed.

  9. Grandad,

    I met a man who would have taken you seriously!

    Back at the end of 1990 I went on a trip to the Far East with an overseas development agency. There were stories about dogs being eaten in rural areas, so in a remote village, we asked the man in whose house we were staying whether he would eat the dog that was curled up at his feet.

    “No, no. I wouldn’t eat that dog. No. I would give that dog to my neighbour and eat his dog instead”.

    A woman from Co Tyrone in our group was so spooked that she was convinced that everything we were given to eat thereafter tasted of dog.

  10. Steph – I have already said that the only way to dispose of her is to recycle her – Government announces new initiative

    Ian – I am quite serious. For first timers though, I would recommend using chicken. It really is delicious.

    Anyway, what is the difference between a dog, a cow or a pig? They’re all animals?

  11. They might all be animals but some animals are more delicious than others.

    Mmm… Veal.. baby cow kept in a dark room and fed only milk. Tasty.

  12. Someone called me an ‘Ould Cow’ yesterday. I thought they were being nasty.

    Thank you Grandad, now I know they were only saying what a tasty dish I was! πŸ˜›

  13. Grandad,

    All this talk of cooking and recipes makes me tired.

    I can’t count the meals I have cooked over the years.

    Himself and I are moving soon, and my new house will have no kitchen. Just vending machines and a large trash can!

  14. Sixty – Any grade will do. In the interests of ecology, I use old sump oil. I used to use virgin olive oil, but there aren’t any left.

    Nancy – Don’t forget the microwave!

  15. Ok. I tried it. And it’s good. No great. I used one of the dog’s hind legs. Maybe a fore leg would have been nicer.

    Anyway, it was well worth it because I’m having great craic now watching him do handstands when he takes a leak.

  16. It is good, isn’t it? If you decide to have another go at the recipe, you can always get one of those wheely things to support the dog’s rear end?

  17. “Anyway, what is the difference between a dog, a cow or a pig? They’re all animals?”

    That’s 100% correct. But you’re all freaking me out nevertheless — especially with the kitten reference. It’ll take me months to come back here. After my PTS counselling. I’m going to bill you, Grandad.

  18. Calm down, Nora. You’re fine. Just relax. Close your eyes for a moment and think of a tropical beach, and imagine the sound of the waves and the seagulls.

    Then I suggest you try out my recipe with chicken. It really is delicious. [It is a genuine recipe, by the way!]

  19. Pingback: You Can’t Get This Anywhere Else at Going Like Sixty

  20. Hey Grandad!
    I said I’d come back and let you know. Had it tonight for din-dins. Lovely. Very tasty.
    Made it with two large breasts. Of chicken.

    Many thanks!

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