There has been quite a response to my ‘Ask Grandad’ slot.  Unfortunately, I shall not be able to reply to them all today.

I am delighted that I started this feature, as I had no idea that you were such a troubled bunch.  Please don’t worry though; help is at hand.

AM I A RACIST?

 

My first troubled soul is Banjo who wants to know if he [or she?] is a racist.

Dear Grandad

I’ve become concerned over that last few weeks that my views on important issues concerning modern Direland could be construed as Racist.

Just to clarify, I have no issues with people of different skin colour. Nor people of different religious inclinations, I pity everyone who believes that rubbish.

My issue is with Gingers, yes I know that might seem minor but i do consider them a blight on dirish society. A friend recently implied that such a personal distain could be classified as racist, i found this disheartening as I value their opinion and it forced me to miss a perfectly good shot on a free range ginger polluting the Wicklow hills….

My question to you is Should I deal with my personal dislike of the ginger or should I just dye my friends head red and declare him fair game?

Banjo

Dear Banjo,

Of course you are not a racist.  It is perfectly natural to look down on those who are inferior to us, and who is lower on the food chain than Gingers?

Has it ever occurred to you why Gingers have red hair?  This is because God [or Darwin] wanted them to stand out from the crowd, and to make them easier to spot in the woods. 

I have a strong suspicion that your ‘friend’ may in fact be a Ginger in disguise.  A few do try to dye their hair to give them a feeling of superiority, and it just goes to show how devious Gingers can be.  What other reason could there be for his outlandish accusation other than he is trying to make excuses for himself?  I would suggest that he should be your next target.

Put your mind at rest.  You are not a racist.  You a perfectly well balanced member of society.

Happy hunting.

Grandad

My next question is delving into the realms of philosophy.  Either that or he is just being a smart-arse.

Obscurity

How can you be in two places at once when you’re really
nowhere at all ?

Robert W. Gately

I might have known it was him.  *sigh*

Dear Robert,

If I’m nowhere at all, then I don’t exist, and obviously you think I exist otherwise you wouldn’t be writing to me.  If you don’t think I’m anywhere, then you cannot be writing to me, and must be writing to yourself.  While this is a perfectly reasonable way of passing the time it is not to be recommended, as it tends to clog up the Interweb.

Being in two places at once is one of the telling symptoms of a dual personality [I remember that from one of my early sessions in The Big House].  Do you find yourself sometimes talking in a different voice?  Do you sometimes find yourself somewhere and wonder how you got there?  Do you occasionally find the kitchen covered in blood and wonder what the hell happened?

Even from this distance, I can diagnose Paranoid Schizophrenia with Multiple Personality Disorder, so I would suggest you get professional help.

I would help you myself, but I can’t be in two places at once [not since they cured me, anyway].

I hope that helps?

Grandad

So there you have it.  Two happy people who had problems , and now don’t.

Do you have a problem?

Just Ask Grandad