Last night I watched the Eurovision Song Contest in glorious High Definition and surround stereo.

It didn’t improve it.

The Eurovision is one of those car-crash events that just has to be watched.  It gets worse every year, and I must say I wasn’t disappointed this time around.

I think it is a testament to the programme that a mere twelve hours later, I can’t remember a single song.  I remember a lot of things about the programme, but I couldn’t sing a single line from any song.

I remember the Spanish entry, but that was only because a bloke from the audience hopped on stage and joined in.  I think he improved things but security didn’t and they bundled him off.  I remember the entry from Israel because the singer managed to sing the entire thing out of key so that it was even more painful to listen to.  I remember the German entry because the singer was a Fine Thing who I certainly wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating biscuits.  There was another entry that had a robot that spent half the time trying to cut its arm off with an electric grinder, but I couldn’t tell you which country they were from.

I watched the programme on BBC.  I will be honest – Graham Norton is one of those presenters that I avoid like a dose of Ebola, but last night I changed my opinion of him.  He wasn’t a patch on Terry Wogan, but he was in the right ball park.  I switched to RTE during the voting, but the sound of Marty Whelan having hysterics because Ireland wasn’t getting any votes was too much, so I went back to BBC, where Norton was positively revelling in the fact that the UK was bottom.  Norton had the right attitude – you just cannot and must not take the Eurovision seriously.

Every year, I get the strange impression that Ireland is the only country that sets out to win the damned thing.  The Irish entry is usually written to a formula that would have won back in the 70’s but hasn’t a hope now.  All the other countries are desperate to loose because the winner has to host the contest the following year and they don’t want to be lumbered with the bill.

So all I can tell you about the contest is that Germany won, and the UK came last.  I think Ireland was in the last two or three but I honestly couldn’t care.

I only watch it to see how bad it can get.