I phoned the Council this morning.

After several tries I eventually got someone to answer the phone. They seem to have long breaks in there. Or maybe they have bladder problems? Or maybe they’re heavy smokers who have to keep nipping out for a quick drag. I will assume it’s the last one so I’ll forgive them.

The woman who finally answered sounded bored. Or maybe she had just been smoking some heavy duty stuff. Anyway she told me to hold on while she checked her in-tray to see if my application for the grant had arrived. She must have one hell of an in-tray as she took ages. Or maybe she nipped out for another fag.

Eventually she came back and said she had my application in her hand. I asked her if she had everything she needed and was my application okay. She asked about Property Tax. I said I had included that documentation. She checked and found it. She sounded disappointed. She asked about a Doctor’s Certificate. I told her I didn’t need one as it wasn’t required for a leaking roof. She reluctantly agreed. She asked what the problem was, despite having a full explanation in her hand as I had explained in detail on the application form. I explained to her about the leaking roof and how the bathroom was being flooded every time it rained. She informed me that it was a roofing problem. Give that woman a medal!

She asked me about my wife’s income. Fuck! I’d forgotten about that. She gleefully explained that I would have to submit an official receipt to disclose this vast addition to our income [which would barely cover twenty Silk Cut a week]. I sighed. I said I would send one in. She conceded that I could scan the receipt and mail it to her. She was much happier now that she had found a flaw in my application and was being more helpful.

I asked her about timing. When would I be likely to see an inspector to would agree that my roof leaks? I explained that it was a bit of an emergency as rain is due in the next few days and I didn’t want Herself to drown. She told me that wasn’t an emergency. Apparently medical requirements trump roofing requirements so I would just be put on a list. Tough shit. Bugger!

So I have to go out this afternoon to get Herself’s pension so I can scan the receipt.

I think I’ll have a coffee too.