My suspicions were aroused a while back.

I think I might be a Russian sleeper agent planted in this imperialist corrupt capitalist country, just awaiting my call to arms.

I should maybe explain?

Well, I get a lot of mail. I have had numerous offers of drones, secret cameras, promises to add up to six inches [why would I want to be six inches taller?], licences to carry concealed weapons and of course thousands of Ukrainian women who are all just gasping to satisfy my every need. All of these seem to have a common theme – that I am some kind of spy for the Russians? I also get frequent notifications that I have been chosen as an entry in the American “Who’s Who” [2021 edition], but that may be a mistake.

But then I got a mail addressed to “Dear colleagues”. It was an invite to “The St. Petersburg International Legal Forum”. I thought that might have been an error I have had a couple more since, urging me to book my place in this “major platform for dialogue among members of the country’s legal, business, political and law‑enforcement communities.”

This required a bit of thought. Maybe it’s a wind-up? But no, it is an actual thing. What’s more, it will be attended by Vlad Himself so I will get a chance to meet this august figure in person.

The Forum is held with the support of the President of the Russian Federation. Attendees will include representatives of relevant federal government and legislative bodies, Russian and international law-enforcement agencies, prosecution bodies, investigative authorities, the judiciary, and international organizations, alongside attorneys and members of the business, expert and media communities.

Wow! And Little Old Me is getting a personal invite to join in with the greatest minds of Russia. Maybe they want me to be invested as an Oligarch?

I have to decide fairly quickly if I want to go as it starts next week.

All I have to do is find the cash for the air fare, accommodation and of course the entry fee which is a snip at only €3,648.

Would anyone like to sponsor me?