I’m doing a test run today.

Having got bogged down with my bank applications and their somewhat strict security methods I am going to test the system.

This time I’m heading over to try to collect my own documentation what I own but the solicitors who are holding the papers are playing silly buggers and won’t hand them over to anyone but me, provided I provide reams of identification. I suppose some form of security is necessary to stop any old codger walking off the street demanding someone else’s private shit? But the good old days of a simple signature are gone. Now it’s all proof of identity with demands for laminated cards and photographic identification. How long before they insist on a DNA test?

It will be interesting as both my ID cards – Social Services and driving licence – have extremely crap photographs that are monochrome, slightly out of focus and lack any contrast. They look like they were taken in a thick fog. Add to that the fact that the beard and hair are both a LOT longer and my photographs now look like a very distant cousin.

I just phoned them. Past experience told me that this could be a wise move and so it turned out to be. Could I please arrive at three instead of half two? Apparently they are “still getting the papers together”. Now we are talking about two items here [as far as I know] – deeds to The Manor and a Will, so it should be a simple enough task. But why do I have a mental image of a coterie of sweating solicitors all frantically tearing through a pile of boxes down in the cellars, scattering papers everywhere and all looking for my documents?

So I shall head over to arrive at around three, but again I have a mental image of myself sitting in the car for an hour or two as they frantically tear their collective hair out as they continue their search? I’d sit indoors but I doubt they’d approve of my pipe?

I suppose I had better bring a mask too. But then they can’t identify me as I wasn’t wearing a mask in any of my photographs. But I can’t take my mask off as that would be against the law. They pride themselves with their knowledge of the law?

Oh what a complicated world we live in?