I always imagined that retirement would mean a retreat from the hustle and bustle of commerce and officialdom. A chance to live life at my own pace with little interference from the outside world.

Hah!

The outside world just seems determined to make my life as complicated as possible.

The latest little squall on the calm seas of retirement is caused by my bank.

When I first started work all those centuries ago I opened an account with the Bank of Ireland. All was fine until it came to getting a mortgage whereupon they fucked me over royally [a long story]. Anyhows I switched to Ulster Bank and all was grand. I have been with them ever since.

Now Ulster Bank has decided it’s their turn to fuck me over by leaving the market. They are just going to shut up shop and leave me to sort out the mess. Thanks for your business but fuck off, as it were.

The problem now is to decide who shall have the honour of dealing with my vast fortunes. Basically it’s down to Allied Irish Bank or Bank of Ireland. There is little to choose between them so I decided to try my old chums in the Bank of Ireland.

The first thing I have to do is to create an account into which I can transfer my ill gotten gains. It seemed simple enough and the Bank of Ireland even has a method of doing it online which suits me fine. Both banks have branches in Skobieville but I want to avoid that place at any cost so online is great. I started the process.

They wanted a couple of documents from me – a scan of my passport and a scan of a utility bill. I duly scanned and sent them off. Rejected! My passport is out of date. Fuck! It’s a bit jobsworth as I’m still me. I’m not out of date [yet] so it should still prove I am who I say I am as surely the photograph and signature should be fine. But no, that method is out. For some obscure reason they won’t accept my driving licence which has the bonus of a photo, a signature and my address.

I phoned them. The chap on the phone was very cheerful and tried to be as helpful as possible. I would have to go into Skobieville and present myself along with my driving licence [!] and a utility bill. But I don’t have any utility bills as everything is done online. But then I mentioned that I wanted a joint account. For various reasons of mobility I can’t wheel Herself in so this was another sticking point. Things are getting really fucking complicated.

So I decided on a different tack. Maybe I could just update my passport? I went online to check.

Now everything would have been fine only my passport is about two months past the renewal date so I have to apply for a new one. *sigh*.

The first thing they wanted was a photograph of me standing against a plain white wall. I had to check around the house as, surprising as it may sound, there are few blank white walls here. Blockwork, exposed granite, red walls or wallpapered walls are fine but there’s a dearth of plain white ones. I eventually made one by removing a few pictures and took my photograph. I looked straight ahead with a grim look on my face and snapped. Rejected! There was a reflection or something on my glasses. Bugger!

So it looks like I’m back to the idea of a trip to Skobieville. Maybe I can persuade them to add Herself to the account without actually getting her physically involved.

Why do they have to make life so complicated?