The phone rang yesterday.

We have a cordless one and the hand set [or whatever you call it] was in Herself’s room. I let her answer it as it was probably one of her cronies. However I heard her pick it up – “Hello? … Yes. … He is. … Who may I say is calling? … Where are you calling from?”.

She called me in, though I was half way there anyway. “It’s for you” says she. “It’s some foreign female calling from Germany.” She didn’t look pleased.

So I took the phone out of interest as the number of females I know in Germany can be counted on one of the dog’s fingers.

“Hello” says I.

“Is that you?” says a very sexy female with husky voice and an accent that sounded distinctly Russian. I had immediate visions of some gorgeous Russian blonde spy from a James Bond film. I confirmed that I was indeed me.

“You reported a fraud recently and I need some extra details from you”.

Now I did indeed report a fraud to my bank a long while back but had since forgotten about it. There was something about the call that made me suspicious. I don’t know what it was but I just had a feeling in my waters. However, if she was genuinely ringing about my fraud case she must have more details than just my name and phone number?

“Sorry” says I, “but I would like some confirmation. Could you tell me the details of the fraud complaint?”

She sounded a bit hurt and said she was from some company that deals with online fraud. She rattled the company name off but her accent was confusing so I didn’t quite get it. It certainly didn’t sound like any company I had ever come across. It most definitely wasn’t my bank.

“Sorry” says I [again – I’m very polite] “but I don’t trust this phone call. I’m going now” and I hung up.

…

Almost immediately the phone rang again. The number came up on the screen – 00491515055199.

“Hello” says I.

“Why did you hang up on me?” She sounded very upset and more than a little hurt.

“Because I don’t trust you” says I. Politeness had gone out of the window at this stage.

“Why do you not trust me?” she wailed. “I’m only trying to help you and you are being rude to me.”

“Because I don’t know who you are” says I. “I just don’t trust calls from companies or people I don’t know.” She obviously hadn’t realised I was a stubborn old bastard. “Can you tell me who referred my complaint to your company?” If she had mentioned my bank then we were into clear waters. She didn’t. She got confused and started telling me that she had received the information from me. I told her that I never complained to her company and that the complaint had gone elsewhere.

“How can I make you trust me? Can I email you details of my company so you can check?”

“Do that” says I.

“Can you tell me your email address please?”

“You’re supposed to have my details” says I. “You tell me what my email address is.”

Now this was the weird bit. She gave me an address which was indeed plausible. It was very very close to the right address with one tiny change – she said it ended in “.com” when I use “.ie”.

“That’s not my address” says I.

“Well what is your address then and I’ll mail the details? I really want to help you.” She was sounding really desperate and close to tears at this stage.

There is one thing I never give out to strangers on the phone – my email address. That applies especially to Russian females phoning from Germany. I refused.

I swear she sobbed at this point. She was on the point of promising to have my babies if I could only trust her. I was getting bored with the whole business and anyway I’m too old for more babies in my life. I told her I was going and not to phone back.

I disconnected.

I’m sorry, Petruska or Natasha or whatever you name is. I hope you didn’t loose too much sleep over this. Maybe you were genuine and maybe you could have dealt with my case. Maybe we could have sailed off happily into the sunset making lots of babies.

It’s just that I’m a suspicious old bastard.