Charity begins in the pub
If you want a pint here in Ireland you have to order a “substantial meal” as well.
No one has defined exactly what a “substantial meal” is except that it must cost €9 or more, so presumably an overpriced packet of peanuts might work? It seems to be one of those regulations which is wide open to vague interpretation by the local Plod, which is a dangerous thing.
Naturally there is a simple answer to this. If you’re not hungry and only want a few pints then all you have to do is order a meal and then not eat it. Apparently quite a few copped on to this ruse so loads of “substantial meals” were just being chucked untouched into the bin.
A little drop of lateral thinking came into play here. No one likes to see food go to waste, especially when there are so many homeless. So pubs came up with an ingenious ploy. Before you order your pints, you order your meal, but donate it to the homeless. The pub donates the cost of the meal to a homeless charity and you get your pints. After all, the law says you have to order a meal but it can’t force you to eat it yourself?
Local Plod doesn’t like this however. They reckon it breaks the “spirit of the law” but seeing as the law is so fucking stupid, no one seems to know what the “spirit” is.
The only reason for this law, as far as I can work it out, is that the Virus is incredibly intelligent. It only hangs around pubs that have no kitchen even if the publican is providing meals from the chipper/kebab/curry shop next door. The pub has to have its own kitchens to hold the Virus at bay. It is also avoids the punters if they are physically eating a meal. The fact that they have donated their meal to someone else means they are now vulnerable.
But even if the punter dutifully eats his meal [which he doesn’t really want] he has only an hour and a half to do so. The Virus obviously has an inbuilt timer and as soon as the time is up, it strikes.
When you add this to the other remarkable attributes, such as the Virus’ ability to count how many people are assembled somewhere and even work out how many houses visitors came from then this is a truly amazing Virus.
In fact the Virus is considerably more intelligent than the people making up these inane laws.
"…the Virus is considerably more intelligent than the people making up these inane laws…"
So is a cabbage.
Or a rock in my garden?
Or a rock in anybody's garden…
These substantial meals are not going to aggravate the obesity plague that is so damaging to the nation's health. Of course not.
No-one has defined 'substantial' to my satisfaction. For some people it's a full roast dinner with all the trimmings, for others a club sandwich, for those on a severe diet it's far less. It's a very broad and woolly-minded definition.
The law-makers just love "a very broad and woolly-minded definition":- it gives them full scope to make it up as they go along.
And this points directly to the real reasoning behind it all,shutting down forever any small business,which then gets hovered up by the banks,getting everyone to collect government handouts, but only if you continue to do as your told.
The real target seems to be the pubs. Some of those have been closed for nigh on a year. A hell of a lot will never reopen.
My problem is that many pubs near me in 'Sarf Lon'on' only serve sub-standard meals (at substantial cost) – most of the homeless would reject them.
In fairness, the pub[s] in question was donating the money to a charity which already provides meals to the homeless. I think it's a brilliant idea but too brilliant for our Lords and Masters obviously.
It is remarkable that beings possessing an advanced central nervous system can be out witted by a particle 120 nano metres in diameter which has no way of acknowledging any external experience. I find it frightening that a virus particle which technically isn't even alive can run rings around a supposedly sentient human being. Taking a far away look of course it is just humans being stupid and inventing stupid rules. Viruses just get on with making more viruses. It's what they do.