I had a dream last night.
It wasn’t very pleasant. I was in a large maze surrounded by high concrete walls and every turn I took was a dead end. People were hurling abuse at me every time I tried a new path. I couldn’t get out. I was trapped.
Now this is a perfectly normal reaction and is as a result of my efforts to drive in Dublin yesterday. If you are not familiar with modern Dublin and attempt to drive there then you too can enjoy this scenario, ether in your dreams after or even on the day itself as you drive.
Dublin traffic planners have two thing which send them into orgasms of delight – traffic lights and traffic lanes.
Traffic lights are placed on virtually every junction and, in a very large number of cases, where there is no junction at all. They are frequently placed in clusters which aren’t synchronised so you get the green only to find a red a few yards further on. Mile after mile it’s stop start stop start. Nervous breakdowns are guaranteed.
Traffic lanes fall into many categories. There are bus lanes, cycle lanes, tram lanes, left turn only lanes, right turn only lanes and lanes which just end for no fucking reason whatsoever. These lanes are generally marked with painted arrows on the road surface which is fuck all use if the paint has worn off, or there is traffic in front obscuring the surface. You will only discover which lane you are in when you have actually entered it by which time it’s too late to change. So you find you are in a filter lane and you have to turn, whether you want to or not. Or you suddenly find the car lane you were in has miraculously converted into a bus lane and you are stuck there hoping a bus doesn’t run up your arse or that maybe some kind soul will let you switch lanes [which doesn’t often happen].
One favourite trick is to provide two lanes as an exit from a roundabout or traffic lights only to find those two lanes suddenly merge into one a few yards further on. Naturally this causes chaos as each lane refuses to accede to the other.
Don’t expect any signs at the roadside explaining what is ahead. Occasionally they will stick one up, but there are so many signs giving other useless information that they are very easy to miss.
So my advice to anyone wanting to drive in Dublin….
Unless you enjoy nightmares.