What I do in the privacy of my home
I received an email the other day.
It was from one of those groups who set themselves up to petition various gubmints to see the error of their ways. This one concerned Interweb censorship and how badly it was needed because of all the nasties that are apparently floating around. It took the form of a questionnaire.
The first question asked me to rate how important the Interweb is in my life on a 1 – 5 scale. I said 5 as I need it to order my groceries.
The next one was a bit harder as it asked if I had come across any “illegal” content online. It gave various examples – Online scams, Violence and threats, Illegal pornography, Other, Terrorist propaganda, Sale of illegal goods, Defamation, and Discrimination/hate speech. Seeing as most of those aren’t actually illegal, just annoying, I ignored that question. They didn’t have an option for “no”.
The next one was similar. Had I come across any “harmful” content? Again it gave a load of options but no “no”. Seeing as it is difficult for words on a screen to physically harm me, I thought this question was a bit moot.
The questions then came thick and fast –
Can you give a little more detail about the harmful or illegal content you’ve seen? No. Go find your own porn.
Did you report the content? No. If it was decent porn I just bookmarked it. Otherwise I’d just go to a different website.
If you reported to someone else, could you tell us more? I told me Mammy!
What happened after you reported it? The planet exploded in a ball of flame.
Has the amount of illegal or harmful content you’ve come across changed since Covid-19? Fuck! You had to bring the Virus into it somewhere?
Can you give a little more detail? No. Fuck off with your Virus.
Do you think children are being kept safe online? Who cares? Stop wrapping the little bastards in cotton wool.
The questions roll on, page after page and all of them slanted in such a way that I have to select things I don’t want to select. They ended up with a whole series of options where I had to select how I wanted the gubmint to interfere with my browsing.
I gave up and didn’t finish their “questionnaire”.
I happily went back to my porn.
Who ever wrote that survey has been watching Yes Minister.
Spot on. Should National Service be introduced? Answer Yes, Definitely or Obviously.
A most enjoyable piece of writing, and video. Thanks!
One time, a long, long time ago I got one of those phycho tests, on paper – thats how long ago it was, for a job.
Do you like children? Yes or No.
Thought about it, and left no answer.
The correct answer is, "Yes, but I can't manage whole one". (I believe W.C. Fields deserves the credit for that one.)
Back in school days long ago, I was asked to complete a form requesting a Swedish pen-friend. One question simply said “Sex preferred” – I replied “Yes, please”. Cue an hour in detention. But Ingrid turned out to be very accommodating.
Are you referring to his, regarding women, "I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one"?
There's such a thing as legal pornography then?
Yes. It started with adverts for Cadbury's Flake:
Have you tried that VR porn stuff yet? You have to use one of those VR headsets, which is awkward, but it's all around you and you just have to pretend you're in the strip joint or whore house and you have to…
A. Wear a helmet, because you have a condition where you might fall.
B. Wear really thick glasses because you have terrible eyesight.
The two imaginative requirements are not a stretch in the above mentioned scenario because the girls will still be really nice to you because you're paying them, but it's a stretch if you're landing an F/A-18 Hornet on the deck of an aircraft carrier because HOW IN THE HELL IS THE NAVY GOING TO LET YOU DO THAT IF YOU NEED GLASSES LIKE SODA BOTTLES HUH? ,,, and in you're case (and almost mine), you're a GRANDAD.
https://www.youtube.com/c/VenusReality/videos Hope you like Chinese ladies (NOT porn, go find your own VR porn links)
OH! and THIS ONE! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLn2E5gYB_I
And… land that fecking jet… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o5kQYP4Huk
You seem to be a bit of an expert in this subject? Does your Missus know?
Personally I prefer my reality without the V bit. It's cheaper.
LOL Google can make anyone an instant expert. No, she doesn't know, you know? Because no, I'm not an expert in that, I'm just an expert when it comes to typing "VR sexy" into the search bar.
No wait, that didn't sound right.
I'm an expert at doing a search for sexy women in VR.
Damn, neither did that.
I'm not getting out of this, am I.