I am very happy with my new car.
I love driving it and frankly the chance to drive it is the only reason I am persisting in my quest to torture myself half to death in a gym in the name of health.
It does have one worrying feature though and that is the number of alarms.
When I fire up the ignition the dashboard display lights up like a fucking Christmas tree. There are warnings and alarms for all sorts of things such as whether a door is open or whether I have forgotten to switch off the headlights. I think it also monitors tyre pressures and whether the roads are slippery but I’m not too sure.
Recently I got into the car and immediately an alarm sounded. I checked the display and it told me my battery needed recharging. What the fuck? I had just started the engine so how the fuck could my battery be flat? On further investigation I realised it was talking about my mobile phone [which incidentally had a 40% charge] which was in my pocket!
So what next? Was it going to count my cash to make sure I was solvent? Was it going to suggest a change of underwear? It’s a fucking car and should have no business commenting on other devices or aspects of my life.
Yesterday I was coming home from my Monday Torture session and stopped in the village as I wanted to get some milk. No problem. As I pulled away to continue my journey a really load alarm sounded. This wasn’t the quiet reminder I get if the handbrake isn’t fully released or that I was accidentally indicating. No, this was a load and strident alarm. I checked the display – nothing! Something was pissing the car off but I didn’t know what.
I drove home with the alarm blaring. The car was driving perfectly well so I just put up with the noise.
Once home I tried RTFM. I looked up the index for “strident loud alarm” but there was no mention. In fact there wasn’t a mention of alarms anywhere in the manual. They must be so confident that nothing will go wrong?
It wasn’t until later in the evening that I had a flash of inspiration. The only thing that was different about that alarming drive was that I had put a three litre jug of milk on the passenger seat. So either the car reckoned that the jug should have a seatbelt on, or maybe it just thinks I’m buying too much milk.
That car is getting a bit uppity.