Herself is in one of her funny moods again.
I don’t mean funny hilarious; more funny weird.
It started when the cat yowled at me through the garden door, demanding to be let in.
“Fuck off, Cat” I yelled.
“Ah don’t say that to the poor cat” says Herself from the next room. “You’ll hurt her feelings. She’s a member of the family. You wouldn’t tell your daughter to fuck off?”
I let the cat in with a sarcastic “Hello Cat, my precious. Welcome to our humble home.”
Cat promptly headed into Herself and started annoying her by looking for food and upsetting everything.
“Fuck off, Cat!” yelled Herself.
Penny and I sniggered.
“When you are next out of your chair, could you bring in the can of gas for my lighter?” says Herself. “And while you’re here could you stick the can up the cat’s hole and set fire to it?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I have never seen a cat explode.”
“Not a chance” says I. “I’m not going to spend the day cleaning bits of cat off the walls and ceiling. Anyway she’d probably just go off like a rocket and would jet around the room like a deflating balloon.”
“That sounds like fun?”
Herself let the subject drop and muttered something about writing a best selling book about carers who treat their charges very badly. I ignored that and let the cat out into the garden again.
Two minutes later the cat arrived up on the window ledge outside Herself’s room and yowled to be let in.
“Fuck off, Cat!” yelled Herself.
I felt vindicated.
Years ago a co-worker's father was being bothered whilst working on the family farm by his wife's Siamese cat. He was attempting to gas up the tractor and the cat would not let him be, so he squirted some diesel at the cat who immediately began to run furiously in large circles and then finally dropped to the ground. The wife, having seen the odd behavior of her beloved cat came onto the porch and asked what's wrong with my cat? The father never missed a beat in his reply: "Looks like she ran out of gas."
How many miles did the cat get to the gallon?
I have a cat just like this always on the wrong side of the door.
I guess I became a victim of your spam filter again – only the first word of my comment shows … sigh …
Would I do that to you? If it had hit the filter nothing would have appeared here.
Hm. You or "it" (whatever it might be) has done so before, as I vaguely seem to remember …
Herself will have to get an oxygen bottle from your health service. Then inject both gases together into the feline firework.
Then it might explode.
If it is a particularly flatulent puss you could forego the butane.
Lighter gas, butane?, alone will not do the trick. It will just burn slowly until enough air has seeped into the cat colon – then a small bang.
As with all fuel containers, a cat will be most dangerous when nearly empty.
But then, you, a man of science, already knew this.
"It will just burn slowly until enough air has seeped into the cat colon – then a small bang." That in itself would be interesting. It wouldn't be as messy either. One must be practical when messing with exploding cats?
Well the gas and cat bit got a real, sustained laugh cum chortle. Cheered me up no end.
Sounds like our household…x4. And since they're all indoor cats they have to resort to using the doors on the inside of the house and they're always on the wrong side of any door they encounter. Especially the bathroom…at night…when we're using it.
My wife has this industrial size squirt bottle she uses when they misbehave, even in the middle of the night…without opening her eyes. She's good. She can nail any cat 4 times out of 5 and I swear she doesn't even wake up half the time. Of course she misses once in awhile and nails me instead and I really can't tell if she chuckles about it or not as I don't have my hearing aids in. But I have my suspicions because the bed tends to shake a bit after every time it happens.