Enough about software.

Yesterday was hardware day.

There is a vast warehouse of a place in Skobieville where I get all my serious hardware stuff.  I avoid it where possible and tend to build up a list over time so I can do just one big shop and get it all over with.  When necessary, I go on a Thursday as they have this strange [but nice] thing of giving all us old folk a discount on that day, and it can be quite a saving.

Another decent thing about this place is that parking is easy, especially on a Thursday as presumably word has spread amongst the younger community and they avoid the place like the plague on a Thursday as they know the aisles will be cluttered with Zimmerframes and old farts who can’t remember what they came in for.

Anyhows, I had my list and the day had come so off I went.

The first problem arose when I went to get a shopping cart.  Of course they wanted a one yoyo coin and I didn’t have any.  So I had to traipse into the Information desk to get change and then all the way up to the exit as they have one-way automatic doors.

Armed with my cart I set off to find the first item on my list – satellite coaxial cable.  I found it straight away and was delighted with myself.  The second item was f-connectors to use with said cable but could I find ’em?  Naturally they were nowhere to be found so I set off on my rounds of the warehouse and eventually found them in a completely different area.  Luckily that area had cable-ties which I also needed.

Next item was paint.  That was no problem as a quarter of the warehouse seems to be devoted solely to paint.  Naturally I couldn’t find the colour I wanted which meant a lot more walking.  Did you know there were about five million different colours all with silly names like “Honeysuckle Blush”, “Slate”, “Somerset Sunrise” and “Jasmine”?  Whatever happened to the good old colours of the rainbow?  And gone are the days of simple emulsion or gloss.  Now there are different paints for different purposes – indoor, outdoor, wood, metal, plastic, garden furniture, decking, fencing and a load more besides?

Next were special bulbs for the cooker hood in the kitchen [they had exploded with a loud bang a few weeks ago which nearly made me shit myself].  That wouldn’t be a problem as the lighting section can be seen from miles away as it is naturally displaying all its wares and you need sun glasses to enter it.  I spent quite a while wandering around the glare [who knew there were so many different shapes and kinds of bulbs?] and getting a tan until I found the ones I was looking for.  Naturally they are the new fangled type and cost ten times as much as the old ones.

Next was one of those yokes for cleaning windows.  You know the things?  The have a mop on one side and a wiper blade on the other.  Fuck me but I couldn’t find them anywhere.  I methodically trundled all the aisles, zigzagging backwards and forwards gradually making my way through the warehouse and dodging old farts who were obviously lost [as I was].

I finally ended up in the pet section and bought some biscuits for the dog on impulse [and to make it look like I intended to end up there].

I gave up.  I committed the cardinal sin of any man with dignity and asked an assistant where the window cleaning thingumebobs were.  He cheerfully instructed me to follow him and set off at a fierce rate of knots.  Luckily I have long legs, as I think he was trying to lose me.  Anyhows he brought me to the spot at the very furthest end of the warehouse in the lighting area.  Silly me!  Of course I should have looked for window cleaning things in the lighting area!  So fucking obvious?

I gave up at that point.  I was knackered.  The box of batteries and the sink plunger can wait until next visit.

I did get a discount of over twenty yoyos though.