The Number of the Beast
I still have problems with our cat.
The first problem is its gender. Now I know there is a ton of derisible nonsense on the Interweb on the subject, but in Cat’s case it’s different.
He was born a male. However in the course of his early existence he was de-knackered and as such is a male no more. Nor is he female. He is stuck in neutral in neutered land.
But when it comes to mentioning Cat in the course of conversation he tends to change gender purely on a whim. Generally he is referred to as she, for the simple reason that every soul in the house is a she, bar myself. We therefore don’t have to search out memories for which gender Cat is, and just use she.
However, when recounting an incident involving the two animals Cat tends to become male again, as “she attempted to rob her dinner and got chased by her as a result” doesn’t make much sense, whereas “he attempted to rob her dinner and got chased by her as a result” does make sense as one would realise there are two animals involved.
Then there is the name.
When Cat arrived we were informed that his name was Malone. For some reason, I just couldn’t take to that name and could never bring myself to use it. From the start I have called him Cat which has two major advantages – it’s gender neutral and I don’t have to remember it. On the other hand, when actually talking to the cat, invariable every sentence starts with Fuck Off, so he tends to answer to that too.
Recently Herself confessed that she wasn’t quite as happy with the name Malone as she had been. She readily admits that Cat has never once reacted to his given name and gets annoyed when she tries, the cat ignores and I snigger.
A new suggestion was mooted yesterday.
Now some of you may be under the terrible misapprehension that we are referring to some dog that appeared in a few films? Bollox to that. No, our cat is to be named after Benjy Riordan, who appeared on Irish television yonks ago when the world was still in black and white. While most of the characters in the programme have long faded from memory, Benjy has been immortalised by the expression “there’s a smell of Benjy off ya” which is still used and refers to the fact that the original Benjy was a farmer and you could smell the cow-shit off him even though it was only on television.
So we are changing names by deed poll. He shall henceforth be known as Benjy. Or to give him the honour of a regal and foreign sounding surname, Benjy Phukkov.
Though I think I shall continue to call him Cat.
I was awoken this morning by a text from my younger Sister. Besides being the family Lore Keeper, Lil’ Sis is a librarian (for shame Sis, for shame!), and as the law requireth of her ilk, she is heavily ‘into’ cats (the day she starts wearing a twin set and pearls I WILL disavow any relationship). This morning she commanded me to secure from sources both divers and mildly illegal as many epic-sods of a colonial television program called “My Cat From Hell”. No problem, this is what IMO Big Brothers with hi-speed internet connections are there for….besides discouraging suitors without at least a double first in something mildly esoteric such as Middle English and Feminist basket weaving.
I sailed away to some piratical shore and secured the films. Of course after downloading, being not only a kind but conscientious elder sibling I checked said films to see if they played ok before transferring them to the SD card Lil’ Sis had kindly dropped off to me on her way to that ‘work’ thing.
I watched the first few minutes of S01E01 (for those who don’t speak ‘pirate’ that means the first ever episode of the first series of god knows how many, it’s been going a whiles). I was introduced to the ‘star’ of the program , a professional cat trainer who carries the tools of his trade around in a guitar case and drives a vintage cabrio (so he obviously doesn’t ply his ‘trade’ here in the UK). I watched it up to the point when he said
“I have helped thousands of cats and their Guardians” (if he knew anything about cats he’d know the correct terminology for what used to be known as ‘owners’ is infact ‘slave’ or ‘cats-body’).
There is no doubt whatsoever that Herself is a slave.
I, on the other hand would be more of a dungeon master. Cat bends to my will whether he/she likes it or not. Disobey me and feel the wrath of my size 11s.
“My Cat from Hell” might be worth a look, all right. Now I just have to pray that it mysteriously appears on my hard disk…..
You might not even have to get down, penitently, on your arthritic knees , it seems Youtube ….
Actually I spoke too soon, seems most of them are just clips….obviously you upset baby Jesus once too often.
Baby Jesus loves me! It did miraculously appear. I don’t know if I could watch it though – it could put me off hard boiled eggs for life?
If s/he responds to “Benjy”, then that’s his/her name. Or stick with Phukov.
I think I’ll stick with Phukkov. It’s a name that just seems to trip naturally off my tongue.
I used to find “You fucking little shitface” delivered at full volume usually got my cat’s attention.
My two respond when I call but I think it’s my voice they know rather than their actual names. If I am having steak they magically appear but don’t bother with any other food.
Steak??!! As Herself would say – Jayzus if we had that we’d eat it ourselves!