I still have problems with our cat.

The first problem is its gender.  Now I know there is a ton of derisible nonsense on the Interweb on the subject, but in Cat’s case it’s different.

He was born a male.  However in the course of his early existence he was de-knackered and as such is a male no more.  Nor is he female.  He is stuck in neutral in neutered land.

But when it comes to mentioning Cat in the course of conversation he tends to change gender purely on a whim.  Generally he is referred to as she, for the simple reason that every soul in the house is a she, bar myself.  We therefore don’t have to search out memories for which gender Cat is, and just use she.

However, when recounting an incident involving the two animals Cat tends to become male again, as “she attempted to rob her dinner and got chased by her as a result” doesn’t make much sense, whereas “he attempted to rob her dinner and got chased by her as a result” does make sense as one would realise there are two animals involved.

Then there is the name.

When Cat arrived we were informed that his name was Malone.  For some reason, I just couldn’t take to that name and could never bring myself to use it.  From the start I have called him Cat which has two major advantages – it’s gender neutral and I don’t have to remember it.  On the other hand, when actually talking to the cat, invariable every sentence starts with Fuck Off, so he tends to answer to that too.

Recently Herself confessed that she wasn’t quite as happy with the name Malone as she had been.  She readily admits that Cat has never once reacted to his given name and gets annoyed when she tries, the cat ignores and I snigger.

A new suggestion was mooted yesterday.

Benjy.

Now some of you may be under the terrible misapprehension that we are referring to some dog that appeared in a few films?  Bollox to that.  No, our cat is to be named after Benjy Riordan, who appeared on Irish television yonks ago when the world was still in black and white.  While most of the characters in the programme have long faded from memory, Benjy has been immortalised by the expression “there’s a smell of Benjy off ya” which is still used and refers to the fact that the original Benjy was a farmer and you could smell the cow-shit off him even though it was only on television.

So we are changing names by deed poll.  He shall henceforth be known as Benjy.  Or to give him the honour of a regal and foreign sounding surname, Benjy Phukkov.

Though I think I shall continue to call him Cat.