Research suggests
Following on from yesterday, I have been doing some research.
Why not? Every one else seems to be doing it so I might as well join the throng?
Anyhows, I started my brief journey by doing a brief search on the Interwebs, using the term “research suggests”. Fuck me! 9,770,000 results. That is one hell of a lot of grants?
Topics were somewhat eclectic, ranging from how babies link words to concepts [WOW! Whoever would have thunk that?], to apparently curing mental illness by bunging everyone into prayer camps in Ghana.
Just as an afterthought I threw in “studies suggest smoking” and got 1,230,000 results which means that smoking seems to be the main topic of research, accounting for 12.6% of all studies? I think there is a little obsession going on here?
Anyhows, I got to pondering just how long all this brainpower had been devoted to such trivial matters, and whether there was a link to my theory that researchers are just people who couldn’t find meaningful employment once they were replaced by computers. I bunged “studies suggest” into Ngram, along with “research suggests” and this is what I got –
The timeline is from 1900 to 2008, so the start of the main rise is around the late ’60s which is around the time that automation was being widely introduced. There is an interesting drop in 2004 which maybe suggests that people were beginning to realise just how worthless these projects were? Further studies are needed on that point?
Anyhows, my conclusion is that all researchers should immediately be returned to the factory floors and other menial tasks befitting their talents, where they can at least do something productive.
That’s what my research suggests.
My personal research suggests that researchers need a hell of a lot of research to justify their existence (read: grants, preferably paid by taxpayers’ money).
I think that you need more funding.
Posh name for dosh, spondulicks, mazuma.
But only more research will suggest this.
But the conclusions must confirm the evil effects of Brexit, smoking, Trump, sugar, Israel, Islamophobia, Global Warming/ climate change/chaos, white male equality, Christianity, etc. etc. otherwise no follow grant – see funding above.
GIMME THE MONAAAAYYYYYYYH!
$$$$$$££££££££€€€€€€€€
I’m sure we could find something suitable for all these researchers to do. We could even keep them in the public sector. I understand there’s a shortage of Public Lavatory Attendants at the moment – a perfect opportunity for them to actually do something worthwhile.
In London, all the public lavatories were shut down in the 1980s. Suddenly it all starts to make sense.
The rise coincides with computers and the ability to grab data first then use statistical analysis to find (frequently meaningless) correlations. Because it’s only statistical is why most modern research ‘suggests’ and doesn’t prove.
Give a load of unemployable useless idiots a new toy and they’ll soon learn to [ab]use it.
I’ve never heard of Ngram before. I’ve just used it on Star Wars and Star Trek. I could have hours of fun with this 🙂
It’s great fun, that yoke. I can’t remember where or even when I found it. It shows almost perfect correlation between “research suggests” and “cunt”. Coincidence?
87.49% of statistics are made up on the spot.
You forgot to add FACT! to the end of that.