They seem to think I need a new car.

Most of you will know by now that I have a certain attitude towards advertising and in particular those apparently endless ones on television.  I never watch them as I either hold the programme I am about to watch so that I can zip through the breaks, or else I just mute them.  One way or the other though I am aware that they’re on.

I have noticed recently is the proliferation of advertisements for cars.  Every second slot seems to be trying to flog me one as if my life depended on it.  What struck me about these campaigns is their utter ridiculousness.

Now I have noticed these ads but not only can I not tell you the make or model of them [and the model names are becoming more stupid by the day] but they all look the same anyway.  Is it just me or does anyone else notice the similarity between modern car design and Start Wars stormtroopers’ helmets?

Anyhows, they wheel out their advertisement and I am shown bits of their vehicle.  Somehow, a glimpse of a wing mirror or an indicator light is supposed to make me envy to the point of purchase.  Or else they show the vehicle in a situation that is so bizarre that the meaning escapes me.

For example, there is one where a bloke is standing in a street when suddenly the ground opens beneath him and the car is jacked up to road level, surrounded by heavily armed men [more stormtroopers?].  Our hero doesn’t bat an eyelid but happily drives off.  Yup – that happens to me every day.

Then there is another where we see a car messing around with a bunch of heads on dog sledges.  There is an audience watching this seated in a steel box suspended over the edge of a cliff.  What the fuck is that about?

Another common theme is that of envy.  Bloke drives car and every pedestrian in sight stops to stare and admire.  Another bloke has to change his car because he is too ashamed to drive his daughter to school in the old one.  Picture smug schoolgirl leering at envious fellow pupils.  Smug schoolgirl bitch should be made fucking walk to school.

I have seen a few too where some bimbo is apparently at the wheel driving either through clouds of coloured powder bombs, or in some cases actual explosions.  Yes indeed – I need a car that can dodge regular explosions on the M11.

And this is the point.  Why show me a car driving along a river bed or skating around in the Alps?  I have no intention of ever doing either.  What I need is a vehicle that can get me from A to B as reliably as possible.  I don’t give a fuck what it looks like nor do I want to instil envy in anyone.  My willie is big enough that I don’t need to have a vehicular substitute..

If you really want to sell me a car, show me one that never gets stuck in traffic jams or has to cope with other lunatic drivers.

I might even unmute that one.