Inimitable
A while ago I gave a little shout-out for a guest post or two.
What I should have said was that I wanted a guest pot or two from amongst my readers.
As it happened, this is what happened. The Blocked Dwarf and Nisakiman rose to the challenge and that was fine and dandy. I think the exercise was worth while and I still do, so if anyone else fancies a go………?
BUT…..
Isn’t there always a BUT?
I have been plagued lately by emails offering guest posts from total strangers. Now I don’t mind the odd email or two but there seems to be some common characteristics amongst the professional lot…
They always start along the line of “I have read your excellent blog and was wondering if you would like me to submit… blah blah”. They promise they they will write in a style appropriate to my normal style and content, and here’s the first rub. I am not exactly enamored with the Church of Health yet most of them seem to want to write about – you’ve guessed it – fucking health.
This morning I got yet another mail going on about “ways technology is improving your health” and it demonstrates another feature of these peple: they don’t fucking give up. They can’t take silence as a gentle hint but persist in “following up on their previous emails”. This morning’s one is the third reminder I have had from one person just giving me a fucking gentle reminder.
Another one who has been filling my spam folder wants to write about “the high energy person that loves staying healthy and going on adventures” and is offering “some nice ideas for your audience“. This yonk has been sending me repeated mails without apparently being able to take a hint either. He even has the fucking nerve to write “I’m sure you’re busy, but if you could respond to my email below, I would be forever thankful” Listen fuckface: if I’m too fucking busy to reply to your first mail then I am even less likely to respond to the rest, especially as you can’t even stick in a “please”.
I could write to them all, but for all I know they are just harvesting email addresses, and anyway, why the fuck should I? They wrote to me. I am not obliged to respond and silence should be a sufficient answer.
So Chris and Julia and all the rest of you fucking dickheads who fancy writing in my style but obviously can’t [seeing as I am unique!], why don’t you just start your own fucking sites and see how you get on.
Go take a healthy hike.
Strangely enough whilst out walking this lunchtime with The Bestes Frau In The World I was mentally composing another guest post for you (The Bestes Frau is quite used to me muttering whilst we walk ‘fucking fuckheads dickwads fuck fuckitty fuckers’ although she assumes i have the tourrettes from years of alcohol abuse)…well more an uber-brain fart really…entitled “Attack Of The Zombie Pipe Smoking Luxembourg Nazis”…
…and even more strangely ,it was not about Juncker.
You don’t qualify under the standards of the above. You [unlike Julia, Chris or the others] are welcome any time. Especially if it’s about pipe smoking.
Hell, I get the same type emails all the time and I barely write anything anymore. Seems like every time I update the site or a plugin the “Can I submit a post to your blog” type emails increase like these idiots are just waiting in the shadows for the cache to be cleared on my old site. “Oooo, his cache just cleared! Bark bark, bark, bark!”
They seem to be on the increase here. I get several a day now. Got a new approach today – a bloke apologising for crime! He reckoned he did an illegal port probe of the server and wanted forgiveness. I should think so too. I object to my ports being probed.
Jayzus, so would I! And I have. Strongly.
Oh gawd, BD, I hope it’s not going to be a filth filled diatribe like last time. I had to stick my fingers in my ears while I read it!
Why don’t you write about something nice, like fairies at the bottom of the garden?
Although I’m sure you’d probably have them cottaging in the garden shed, knowing you.
Oh, off at a tangent, talking about garden sheds, I have to say your description of the contents of a garden shed (I can’t remember now where or when you left it) was a masterpiece. I meant to say so at the time, but forgot. I should have saved it for posterity. Ten out of ten for that one, my boy.
What filth diatribe? Oe of mine? One of the Dwarf’s? One of your own?
Unlike yourself, I don’t ever remember writing about the contents of my garden shed. Frankly I would like to find that as I haven’t a clue what’s in it now. The bolt has rusted solid and I couldn’t be bothered unrusting it.
No no, not you, GD, one of the Dwarf’s posts. And I can’t remember where I read his comment on a garden shed (Legiron, perhaps?), but it was one of his more memorable comments. I meant to click on the ‘reply’ button to his first post above, but obviously fucked up. It’s my age, you know.
It was on http://pubcurmudgeon.blogspot.co.uk/2017/02/a-rare-accolade.html
and GD the filth diatribe was the slimer wormtongue /’tub girl’ one, Shitmora …
Ah! I didn’t think it was one of mine. I don’t write much about my garden shed as I’m not even sure where it is any more. Fucking brambles!
“cottaging in the garden shed”…oh right…’fairies’…I see what you did there…how very homophobic of you. Remind me to never link you to my story which contains the rather nice phrase “Only thing pure and virginal that meal time was the olive oil, which was probably what I was going to have to use to lube his bum with unless the girlfriend had remembered to get some more KY in”
😛
(No I’m not gay but I’m an equal opportunities porn writer, a cosmopolititan PERV-eyour of filth)
Do fairies exist? This is a deep metaphysical question which Irish poets (like Yeats and George Russell AE) have addressed and failed to answer conclusively. My granny told me that fairies dance and sing in ring fort ‘raths’ – but only when nobody is around to hear and see them. Presumably, if folklorists place hidden cameras and tape recorders in raths the crafty fairy buggers will be too clever to be caught out by sophisticated intelligence-gathering equipment. However, in Wales, a walker happened to take countryside photos not long ago and when the photos were scrutinised he spotted what look like fairies. Now similar things have happened with photographers around Loch Ness.
http://www.aol.co.uk/travel/2016/06/17/walker-photographs-fairies-wales-newbridge/
Hmmmm. Take a very blurred image and add a drop of imagination with a pencil? Mayflies or dragonflies. Possibly I know some fairies in the village, but I never asked as to their proclivities.
Ah… You’ve arrived. Guest post spam. Welcome to the club. They seem to have given up on me. Another little scam (give it time) is when they want to syndicate your work to major news outlets. They get a fee from the outlet and you get a nice warm glow.
Hah! I arrived a long time ago, but just recently they racked up several notches. I very much doubt if any news outlet would dare print my musings? I actually considered that I had arrived when, not only did I grow my own Troll, but got onto Supershadow’s reading list.
Dearest Sir,
I am humbled at your invitation of a guest post. I am Mrs Rose Williams from Cote d’Ivoire. My late husband, God rest him, was Mr Charles Williams who worked for the government . . .
Heh! If I posted those I would have enough material for a year or two.