I took a trip into Skobieville yesterday.
For some time now Herself has been muttering about her electrofag and how she reckoned she would use it a lot more if she had a better one. She had one of those heavy cylindrical ones that seemed to work quite well but apparently the grass is greener with the latest yokes. Out of the pure goodness of my heart [and to stop the nagging] I decided to get her one.
I took it home and unpacked it.
Fuck me but you need a degree in engineering and electronics to even read the manual. And the manual tells you fuck all anyway apart from telling you how to switch it on and off.
Well, that’s not quite true as it tells you how to adjust the wattage and read the resistance and even the voltage. There is also [apparently] a “puff counter” and “stealth mode”.
What the fuck is “stealth mode”? Does it vanish off the radar? Does it become invisible? If I put it down in “stealth mode” will I be able to find it again? Does the “puff counter” tell you if you have stopped breathing and therefore, are dead?
Now I am supposed to be an expert in electronics, having studied it at third level but I grant that my qualifications are a tad outdated [do they make valves any more?] and I am damned if I can work out where resistance comes into vapour.
The device can run between 1W and 40W. Wow, but I’m impressed, but what the fuck does that mean? Will 40W make it go faster or does it just use more electricity? Will I be able to read by the light of its 40W output?
Then there is a choice of coils. What the fuck is a sub-ohm coil? Surely the lower the resistance, the greater the current and the greater the chance of blowing Herself up?
I am baffled, I have to admit.
Anyhows, I poured in some liquid and tried a puff. When the coughing fit passed I gave it to Herself to try. She took a deep drag and vanished in a cloud of vapour. I could see nothing but could hear the racking cough punctuated by explosive farts. Was she trying to blow smoke rings out the other end? That could be an entry for the X-Factor?
I tweaked it and twiddled it. I reduced the wattage mainly because that was the only thing I had worked out how to control. It seemed to work a bit better and she’s a lot happier, but I am still completely at sea.
There’s a lot to be said for ordinary cigarettes. You take one out of the packet, stick it in your gob and set fire to the end of it with whatever flame you happen to have handy.
No need for an instruction manual there?