I will put this as politely as I can……

I am really pissed off with those fucking wankers in my phone company.

I mentioned that I had ordered broadband a few days ago?  Well, they fucked it up.  As usual.

Now before I go any further, I have to explain that their websites [and they have a moxey load of them] don't work properly in my Firefox browser.  I don't know why, but they don't while every other site I visit does.  So in order to access them I had to install Chromium [Google can fuck off with their Chrome].

Anyhows I said how I had placed the order online and how the site thanked me and said they would be in touch on Thursday to confirm installation on Friday.

I got an email from them today.

Thank you for your recent home phone order. Unfortunately we are unable to provide you with an eir phone service at this time as your telephone service is currently being provided by another phone operator.

To move your home phone service to eir please visit http://www.eir.ie/switchbroadband/ which provides full details on how you can switch to eir. Please have your UAN (Universal Account Number) to hand so we can process your order for you.

What the blue fuck?

I have been with them for the last forty years and more!

I phoned the number I used last Friday but for some goddamned reason I got through to a girl who only deals with mobile networks.  Fucking hell!  And she had a Dublin accent you could scrape off the walls.

She transferred me to another woman who at least spoke clearly.

"Can I have your account number?" says she.

I gave her my account number.

"No" says she, "your new account number.  That's your old account number."

I told her that I didn't have a new account number because their fucking website had never given me one.

"You would have received it in the confirmation email" says she.

I told her that the only email I got was [and I quote] "Thank you for placing your order. Our service team will contact you within the coming days".

"But you must have received a new account number either on the site or by email?"

I repeated the confirmation email I had received and I repeated the fucking mail that I got today.  I also pointed out that I had been with them for forty years and had never switched to anyone else.

"But you must have got a number!"

I fucking didn't fucking get a fucking number!

"Didn't the bloke you were chatting to give you a number?"

I wasn't chatting to anybody!  I ordered on line.

"Well the best we can do is wait until Friday to see if they turn up."

Oh sweet lamb of divine…………!

I hung up.

Out of interest I followed the link they provided in their latest mail – http://www.eir.ie/switchbroadband/

"Switching to Eir is easy".  They give three steps.  Make my choice, have my number to hand and they'll do the rest.  It's that easy.  Except they don't tell me how to fucking do it.  No link.  No number.

So now I have to wait until the end of the week to make sure a bloke doesn't turn up to change a service that apparently I don't have, whereupon I have to phone people who want me to do everything online to place an order I have already placed.

I need a fucking stiff drink.

UPDATE……

Just received an email from them that includes the lines

Thank you for getting in touch with our team recently about your eir service. We hope your query has been resolved.

In fact, that’s why we are contacting you now. At eir, we want to make sure we give you the best possible customer service. We would really like to find out how things went for you when we dealt with your query.

Ho boy! Am I going to have some fun with this?!